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PR 

5233 
R7Y6 


F 11 1-:  N  c  n '  s 

arije  dieting  ISnftfoii. 
No.  LXXX. 


TilE  YOUNG  WIDOW; 

OR, 

A  LESSON  FOR  LOVERS. 

A    COMIC   PIECE,    IN    ONE    ACT. 


BY 

THOMAS  G.  RODWELL, 

A5TH0K     OF      "NO     DINNETl      YET,"     ETC.    ETC. 


AS    PERFORMED    IN    THE    VARIOUS    THEATRES    THROUGHOUT 
THE    UNITED    STATES. 


TO  WHICH  ARE  ADDED, 

tVicnption  ot  the  Costume — Cast  of  the  Characters — Entrances  and  Rxit»— 
Relative  P)sitions  of  the  Performers  on  the  Stage,  and  the  whole  of  th« 
Stage  Business. 


NEW-YORK  : 
SAMUEL    FRENCH, 

121   .N  A  S  S  A  T'  -  S  T  P>  r:  E  T. 


THE  LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 

SANTA  BARBARA 


Cast  of  tlje  CSaractcvs. — The  Yoing  "W'ujow. 


Park,  N.  Y. 

Bowery,  X.  Y.          Columbus,  Ohio. 

Mandcnille, 

Mr.  Simpson. 

Mr.  T.  DuoP.             Ma   Forrest. 

Splash, 

'•    Hilson, 

"    C.  Burke.              "    Kent. 

Aurelia, 

Miss  Kelly. 

Miss  Mary  I^r'or.     Mis-s  Armstror-g 

Lucy, 

Mrs.  Wheatley. 

"    Sutherland.        Mrs.  Powell. 

Boston  Theatre,  185«       Walnut-st.  Phil,  1855 

Mandtville, 

-     Mr. 

Beiton.                  Mr.  S.  Etynge. 

Splash, 

. 

J.  Wood,               '•    A.  H.  Davenport 

Aurelia, 

-     Mrs.  Kirby.                 Miss  Weston. 

Lucy. 

- 

J.  Wood.           Mrs.  Jno.  Sefton. 

MODERN    COSTUME. 

STAGE  DIRECTIONS. 


EXITS    AND    ZNTE.4.NCES. 

L.  means  First  Entrance,  Left.  R.  First  Entrance,  Right.  S.  E.  L. 
Second  Entrance,  Left.  S.  E.  R.  Secorid  Entrance,  Right.  U.  E.  L. 
Upper  Entrance,  Lcf*.  U.  E.  R.  Upper  Entrance.  Right  C  Centre. 
L.  G.  Left  of  Centre  R.  C.  Right  of  Centre.  T.  E.  1.'  Third  Entrance, 
Left.  T.  E.  R.  Third  Entrance,  Right.  C.  D.  Centre  Dov.  D.  R, 
Door  Right.  D.  L.  Door  Left.  U.  D.  L.  Upper  Door,  Left.  V.  D.  R 
Upper  Door,  Right. 

*,*     The  Reader  is  supposed  to  be  on  the  Stage,  faciim  the  Avdi«m:f 


THE  YOUNG  WIDOW. 


SCENE  I. — Acrelia's  apartment,  elegantly  furnished.  Two  doors  in 
the  centre,  one  leading  to  a  Bed-chamber,  and  the  other  to  an  inner 
Drawing-room. — A  Mask  and  an  Officer's  Uniform  are  seen  lying  on 
one  of  the  chairs. 

E^iler  Lucy  from  the  Bed-chamber,  looking  at  the  uniform,  c. 

Lucy.  So  my  mistress  has  made  a  pretty  business  of  her  last  night's 
adventure  ;  in  a  fit  of  a  jealous  curiosity,  she  follows  her  lover  to  the 
masquerade  in  the  disguise  of  a  military  officer,  and  there  acts  with  so 
little  discretion  as  to  arouse  his  suspicions  ;  he  follows  her  home,  and 
sees  her  enter  her  own  house, — and  of  course  will  naturally  conclude 
that  he  has  discovered  some  more  favored  rival  paying  his  mistress  a 
midnight  visit  :  what  will  be  the  consequences,  heaven  onl}'  knows. 
Reappeared  as  if  determined  to  take  a  most  summary  vengeance,  for 
directly  after  my  mistress  entered,  we  heard  a  most  dreadful  thundering 
at  the  door.  Fortunately  the  watch  interfered,  and  saved  us  from  his 
further  annoyance,  but  no  doubt  he  will  be  here  presently.  Ah,  curi- 
osity and  jealousy  are  the  worst  of  passions,  particularly  in  a  female  ; 
well,  thank  my  stars,  I  am  free  from  both.  J  should  very  much  like  to 
know,  though,  what  became  of  that  Mr.  Splash  last  night,  when  his 
master  was  out. 

[Noii'e  heard  without,  l.  h.,  as  of  some  one  coming  np  stairs. 

Splash,  [without.]  There,  never  mind,  my  dear,  don't  move  the  pail, 
I  can  step  over  it.  [Noise  ivilhoul,  as  if  he  had  slipped. 

Oh,  curse  it  !  I'm  up  to  my  knees  in  it !  Confound  it !  Why  couldn't 
you  keep  your  dishcloths  out  of  the  way,  when  you  saw  a  gentleman 
coming  up  I 

.Enter  Splash,  l.  n. 

Lucy.  Ah,  Mr.  Splash,  have  you  had  an  accident  1 

Splash.  Yes,  trying  to  get  up  without  wetting  the  sole  of  my  shoe, 
took  too  long  a  stride,  slipped,  and  there  was  poor  Mr.  Splash  with  his 
foot  in  a  pail  of  water  1 

Lucy.  Ah.  you  always  put  your  foot  in  every  thing. 

Splash.  Come,  that's  very  fair  of  you,  Lucy,  but  doubtless  you  were 
prepared  for  it,   for  when  you  heard  the  pail  go  over,  of  co\irse  vou 


4  THE    TOUNO    WIDO'W. 

thought  there  was  Splash  upon  the  stairs.  Come,  that's  very  fair  of 
me.  too.   [aside] 

Lucy.  By  the  bye,  I  wonder  you  were  not  at  the  masquerade  last 
night.  Mr.  Splash. 

Splash.  No  wonder  at  all,  Lucy:  my  master  was  there,  but  the  fact 
is,  masquerades  have  grown  vulgar  of  late,  and  /  don't  patronize  them 
any  longer. 

Lucy.  To  say  the  truth,  that  was  precisely  my  reason  for  staying 
away. 

Splash.  What  a  sj'mpathy  of  feeling.  I  see  we  were  designed  for 
each  other — and  since  we  are  alone,  tell  me,  Lucy,  when  will  you  make 
me  the  happiest  cf  valets. 

Lucy.  A\  hy,  Mr.  Splash,  since  you  put  the  question  to  me,  I  believe 
I  must  be  candid,  and  inform  you,  that  I  have  thought  seriously  on  the 
subject,  and,  without  meaning  any  offence  to  you,  Mr.  Splash,  I  really 
cannot  think  of  surrendering  mj  liberty  to  any  thing  under  a  butler. 

Splash,  [aside. \  What  an  ambitious  toad  it  is.  But  consider,  Lucy, 
I  am  but  a  valet  it  is  true  ;  but  I  have  an  excellent  master,  and  to  say 
the  truth,  I  have  got  a  trifle  in  his  service  ;  you,  1  believe,  have  got  a 
trifle  more — not  that  I  am  the  least  interested  ;  [asidc.^  though  I  hope 
it's  something  considerable. 

Lucy.  Oh  no,  of  course  not ;  [aside.']  I'm  glad  to  hear,  tho',  that  he 
has  been  so  prudent. 

Splash.  Now,  Lucy,  with  what  you've  got,  and  with  w'nat  I've  got — 

Lucy.  True,  we  might  retire  into  private  life. 

Splash.  Yes,  and  keep  a  public  house  for  instance. 

Lucy.  \Mi3'  that  alters  the  face  of  affairs  very  much. 

Splash.  There,  you  know  I  shall  be  mixing  the  liquors,  while  j^ou're 
drinking  with  the  company,  and    

Lucy    I  drinking  ! 

Splash.  No,  no  ;  I  mean  you  will  be  mixing  the  liquors,  while  I'm 
drinking  with  the  company. 

Lucy.  That  I  think  very  probable. 

Spla.sh.  We  shall  be  sure  to  have  plenty  of  customers,  for  how  de- 
lightful it  will  be  to  see  a  sweet-tempered,  charming-looking  girl  like 
you,  as  full  of  spirits  as  our  own  brandy  cask,  on  one  side  of  the  bar, 
lowering  the  rum,  and  filling  the  pots  half  full  of  froth,  whilst  I,  not 
less  interesting,  and  quite  as  honestly  employed  in  the  other  side  in 
marking  up  my  accounts  with  a  double-pointed  chalk. 

Liicy.  Oh  !   it  will  be  delightful,  indeed  ! 

Splash.  You  see,  Lucy,  I  know  how  to  run  up  a  score. 

Lucy.  I  hav'nt  the  least  doubt  of  it. 

Splash.  Then  give  me  your  hand,  Lucy,  for  I  see  the  affair's  set- 
Jled 

Lucy.  Why  I  believe,  Mr.  Splash,  I  must  confess,  that — that 

Sp!a.ih.  [aside]  The  public-house  carries  it  against  the  world.  Then 
>nly  let  me  seal  the  bargain,  Lucy,  with  a  kiss  and 

Lucy.  There  you'll  excuse  me.  These  lips  must  not  be  touched  by 
aiortal  man,  till  after  the  ceremony  at  least. 


THE    VOUNO    WIDOW.  O 

Splash.  Oh,  what  an  amiable,  virtuous  little  getter-up  of  small  linen 
it  is      But  tell  me,  Lucy 

Lucy.  Say  no  more  now ;  I  hear  ray  mistress  coming ;  you  must 
retire. 

iSplash.  Well  Lucy,  till  the  evening  again.  But  when  you  hear  me 
whistling  for  you  at  the  area  window,  don't  i'ancy  it's  tlie  call  of  an  un- 
welcome intruder,  and  fling  a  basin  of  dirty  water  out  upon  my  head, 
but  remember  the  public-house  and  think  of  Splash  lAxil,  l. 

Enter  Aureli.\  from  llic  Bd-chambcr,  c. 

Lucy,  Well,  madam,  how  do  you  find  yourself  now  i 

AurcL  Why,  I  am  pretty  well  recovered  from  my  fright.  Lucy  ;  but  I 
still  feel  the  greatest  anxiety  about  the  consequences,  lor  I  am  contident 
Mandeville  saw  me  enter. 

Lucy.  But  you  are  certain  niailaui,  that  he  hail  no  suspicions  of  who 
you  really  were. 

Aurcl.  Not  the  least  in  the  world  ;  of  course,  he  took  me  for  an 
officer.  I  heartily  repent  me  of  my  folly  ;  but  I  have  discovered  one 
thing  by  watching  him  at  the  masquerade. 

Lucy.  And  what  was  that,  madam? 

Aurcl.  Why,  that  he's  a  very  wicked  creature  ;  that  he's  not  half  so 
moral  as  he  pretends  to  be. 

Lucy.  Then  if  I  were  you,  ma'am,  I'd  make  a  vow  never  to  open  my 
lips  again  to  him  as  long  as  I  lived. 

Aurcl.  [icith  sharpness .'\  Indeed,  ma'am,  I  shall  do  no  such  thing  ! 
But,  for  goodness  sake,  Lucy,  get  that  unfortunate  otKctr's  uniform  out 
of  the  house  ;  for  Mandeville  is  so  very  jealous,  and  so  very  eccentric, 
that  I  should  not  wonder  if  he  were  to  insist  upon  searching  every 
corner  of  the  place.  It's  strange  he  has  not  been  here — I  shall  tremble 
at  the  sight  of  him.  I  would  confess  the  truth,  but  he  is  so  strangely 
whimsical,  that  I  fear  he  would  consider  my  little  plot  unbecoming  the 
delicacy  of  a  female,  and  I  might  lose  him  forever.  But  go  this  instant 
and  take  away  that  unlucky  disguise. 

Lucy.  I  will,  ma"aui. 

Just  as  Lucy  is  going  off  with  the  (Ifficer's  Dress,  a  tremendous 
double  knock  is  heard  at  the  door,  l.  h. 

Aurcl.  Oh,  preserve  me  I  there  he  is,  take  the  dress,  Lucy,  into  my 
chamber,  or  you'll  meet  hiiii  on  the  stairs  ;  and  while  I  hold  him  in 
conversation,  you  find  an  opportunity  of  slipping  out  with  it. 

Lucy  re-enters  the  led  chamber,  c  ;  Aureli.\  takes  a  book  and  seats 
herself  as  if  she  were  reading;  Maxdevili.e  enters  and  looks 
suspiciously  round ;  Avrklh.  pretends  not  to  be  conscious  of  his 
•presence. 

MaJid.  [aside.']  All  looks  quiet  at  any  rale.  I  see  no  signs-of  my 
military  spark. 

Auicl.  [icith  great  naivete,  ax  if  jit.st  perceiving  /lini.]  .\li,  Mande- 
ville. 

Mated,  [u-ith  great  coolnc.'is.]   Well,  Madam  I 


6  THE    YOUNG    WIDOW. 

Aurel.  [axide]  Madam  !  it  was  he  then.  I  must  soften  him  ;  why 
you're  not  well,  Mandeville. 

Mand.  In  most  perfect  health,  madam. 

Aurel.  [aswV/e.]  Madam  again.  He's  very  bitter  ;  I  mus'nt  humor 
him  so  much — then,  sir,  what  is  the  meaning  of  this  coolness  \ 

Maud.   Perhaps  you  can  guess,  madam. 

Aurel.  Suppose  I  plead  ignorance  and  plainly  ask  you  what  this  visit 
means  1 

Mand.  Then,  madam,  I  as  plainly  answer,  it  means,  this  is  to  be  the 
last  visit  you  will  be  troubled  with  from  Mandeville. 

Aurel.  Then,  sir,  that  I  may  not  be  indebted  to  you,  I  as  plainly 
reply,  that,  since  it  is  to  be  the  last,  the  shorter  it  is  made,  the  better  I 
shall  be  pleased.   [as«/c.]  Come,  I  think  I  was  a  match  for  him  there. 

Mand.   Very  well,  ma'am.  I  shall  not  intrude. 

Aurel.   Well,  sir.  are  you  going  ?  [^scals  herself. 

Mand.  Yes,  ma'am,  don't  be  alarmed — I'm  going,  ma'am — I'm  going. 
[asjde.]  I  wish  she'd  ask  me  to  remain.  Yes,  I'm  resolved,  I'll  not 
stay  another  instant,   [scat.'i  himself.]  No,  I'll  not  stay  another  instant. 

Aurel.   Well,  sir,  are  you  gone  ! 

Mand.  Yes,  I'm  gone,  ma'am,  gone. 

Aurel.   \^looking  rojind.]   Gone  ! 

Mand.  No- — no — that  is,  I'm  going,  [aside.]  But  I'll  be  resolute — I 
will  return  it  at  once. 

Aurel.   [aside.]  What's  coming  now  1 

Mand  [takins:  a  miniature  in  a  red  morocco  case  out  of  his  bosom.] 
Here,  ma'am,  I  have  worn  this  near  my  heart ;  but  now  I  respect  it  no 
longer. 

Aurel.  Then  sir,  I  think  you  had  better  return  it  to  the  giver. 

Mand.  That's  what  I  intended,  ma'am. 

Aurel.  Very  well,  sir  :  then  give  it  me. 

Mand.  You  shall  have  it  ma'am — you  shall  have  it. 

He  keeps  the  picture  in  his  hand  looking  at  it,  without  offering  to 
return  it. 

Aurel.  Well,  sir,  you  really  seem  very  anxious  to  part  with  it. 
Mand.   Oh.  it's  very  amusing,  I  dare  say,  ma'am,  but  you  shall  have 
it.     There,  take  it,  madam. 

Mandeville,  ivithout  apparently  knowing  what  he  does,  takes  the 
■picture  out  of  the  case,  looks  at  it  affectionately,  puts  the  picture  in 
his  pocket  and  presents  the  case  to  Aurelia. 

Mand.  There  it  is,  ma'am,  there  it  is. 

Aurel.  [opening  the  case.]  Is  it,  indeed  !  upon  my  word,  I  don't 
see  it.  ... 

Mand.  Oh  !  I  beg  your  pardon,  ma'am,  [givinff  her  the  picture  with 
greatrelucfance.]   It  was  all  a  mistake,  ma'am. 

Axtrcl.  Oh,  of  course— and  now  I  have  it,  upon  my  life,  I  don't 
know  what  I'm  to  do  with  it. 

Mand.  {aside.'\  Now  I'll  be  severe— Why,  now,  madam,  you  may 
give  it  to  your  officer. 


THE    TOUNG    WIDOW.  7 

Aurel.  \aside.'\  So,  lie's  coming  to  the  point  at  last — My  officer,  sir  1 

Mand  Yes,  nia'ain,  your  officer,  your  colonel,  your  captain,  your 
corporal,  or  whatever  he  rnay  be. 

Aurel.  Why,  what  in  the  name  of  goodness  does  ail  the  poor  man  '! 
— I  begin  to  be  quite  alarmed. 

Mand.  Don't  be  alarmed,  I'm  perfectly  iri  my  senses — and  that  you 
may  have  no  e.xcuse  for  not  understanding  me,  know,  madam,  that  I 
WPS  last  night  at  the  masquerade — I  there  got  acquainted  with  a  certain 
officer — he  spoke  of  you — my  suspicions  were  aroused — I  dogged  him 
home,  and  saw  him  enter — this  very  house. 

Aurel.   And  was  that  all  ! 

2Iand.  Yes,  ma'am,  and  in  my  opinion,  enough  too.  Explain  it  if 
you  can. 

Aurel.  [afiide.]  What  shall  I  say  1  I  have  it. — Why  you  silly  mortal, 
suppose  you  had  seen  a  dozen  officers  enter,  does  it  follow  of  necessity, 
that  they  must  come  to  me  !  are  there  not  other  inmates  in  the  house — ■ 
and  if  they  chose  to  be  at  the  masquerade,  they  surely  had  a  right  to 
assume  vvfiat  character  ihoy  pleased  ! 

Mand.  \_Ji.c.silaliiig.'\  Why,  that's  very  true  ;  upon  my  life,  that  did 
not  strike  me  before.     Is  it  possible,  that  I've  been  mistaken  ! 

Aurel.  [aside.'\  Possible!  I  see  it's  all  safe.  What  a  poor  weak 
soul  it  is. 

Mand.  Can  it  be  possible,  I  have  been  mistaken  ? 

Aurel.  You  have,  indeed — for  I  protest  you  were  the  last  male  crea- 
ture I  spoke  to  last  night,  and  the  first  this  morning. 

Mand.  Oh,  I  must  believe  you,  for  sure-!y  falsehood  could  not  look  so 
heavenly — Can  you  forgive  me,  Aurelia  \ 

Aurel.  Nay,  I  really  don't  know  that  I  can. 

Maiid  On  my  knees  then  let  me  beg  for  mercy  ;  for  no  humiliation 
can  be  too  great  for  having  suspected  my  Aurelia's  truth. 

Lucy,  not  knowing-  what  turn  the  affair  has  taken,  has  been  seen  once 
or  twice  lonking  out  at  the  bed-chamber  door,  c,  watching  for  an 
opportunity  to  escape  with  the  military  dress.  Seeing  M.^ndevillk 
•now  mill,  his  lack  turned  towards  her,  she  leaves  the  chamher  on 
tiptoe,  ivith  the  dress  laidcr  her  apron ;  unfortunately,  one  of  the 
sleeves  hangs  out  and  is  quickly  perceived  by  Manueville.  He 
seems  struck  breathless — but  exclaims  aside, 
Curse  me.  if  she  hasn't  got  a  man  under  her  apron. 

AuREi.iA  appears  afraid  to  move.      When  just  as  Lucy  gets  to  the 
door,  Manpeville  starts  off  his  knees  and  seizes  the  dress — Luc? 
screams,  and  Aurelia  seems  petrified. 
No,  no,  madam,  there  is  no  escape — I  have  you  now. 
Aurel.  Now  the  mischief  is  complete  !   [aside.] 
Lucy.  Oh  my  poor  mistress.      What  will  become  of  her. 

[  She  runs  off,  n. 
Mand.    Now,   ma'am,   say,  who  did  this  cursed  hat  l>elong  to,  that  I 
may  seek  my  vengeance  1 

Aurel.  [aside.'\  What  shall  I  say  1      I  dare  not  acknowledge  the  truth. 
Mand.   What  I   guilt  has  struck  you  dumb,  ma'am,  has  it  ! 


O  THE    VOUNCJ    WIDOW. 

Aurel.   [(T,<!</£.]  It  must  be  so. 

Jfand.   Say,  iiiauara,  this  instant 

Aurcl.  Well,  if  you  must  know  then,  they  belonged  to  my  poor  deal 
late  husband.     You  cruel  man,  to  rake  up  his  memory  thus.     [_wecps.'\ 

Jlaml.  Your  late  husband. — And  pray,  madam,  what  had  your  late 
husband  to  do  with  a  dress  like  this,  when  I  know  he  was  a  lawyer  1 

Aurcl.  [aside.']  I'd  forgotten  that. — And  so  he  was,  but  though  ho 
was  a  lawyer,  he  had  a  gallant  soul,  and  served  in  the,  the — sharp- 
shooters 1 

Maud.  In  tlie  sharp-shooters,  eh  1  But  tiiis  unfortunately  happens 
to  bo  a  cavalry  uniform. 

Aurcl.  Vv'ell,  I  don't  know,  I  suppose  he  wore  it  when  he  mounUd 
guard. 

Mand.  Then  curse  me,  madam,  if  he  didn't  mount  guard  last  night, 
for  I  saw  him  in  it. 

Aurcl.  Oh  dear,  don't  alarm  me — 1  would  not  see  the  dear  man  in  it 
again  for  the  universe. 

Mand .  There  is  something  in  this  I  cannot  solve. 

Aurcl.  Then  let  me  solve  it  for  you.  Suppose  a  friend  of  mine  bor- 
rowed that  dress  for  the  masquerade,  suppose  that  friend  returned  it 
this  morning,  then  suppose  I  had  made  a  present  of  it  to  Lucy,  and  all 
your  doubts  are  removed. 

Mand.  Yes,  if  I  could  suppo.ic  all  this — but,  there's  so  much  to  sup- 
pose;  yet.  to  be  sure,  it  is  possible. 

Aurcl.  [aside.]  Possible — he  melts  again — there's  a  lord  of  the  cre- 
ation for  you  ! 

Mand.  [considerin^r.]  Yes,  it  is  very  possible,  and  if  I  were  not 
obliged  to  draw  a  different  conclusion,  I  would  believe  it. 

Aurel.  Believe  that  I  am  innocent,  and  then  draw  what  conclusion 
you  think  pro[)er. 

Mand.  [as/Jc.]  I  have  no  means  of  immediate  satisfaction,  and  so  I 
may  as  well  dissemble.  I  shall  be  upon  my  guard  tho' — well,  well, 
Aureiia  :  I  wiil  believe  you.  and  there  is  my  hand  again,  on  condition, 
that  you  promise  some  day  to  clear  up  every  doubt. 

Aurtl.  I  do  promise  you  — indeed — and  let  us  say  no  more  on  the 
suhjrci.  i  expect  my  new  dancing-master  every  instant  ;  so  fare  you 
well  till  to-morrow.     Mind,  you're  not  jealous  again 

Mand.  No,  never  again. 

Aurcl.  If  you  are,  I'll  punish  you  for  it — you  are  perfectly  satisfied. 

Mand.  Yes,  yes  I  am  perfectly  satisfied — 

[ArRKLi.4.  enters  the  inner  Drawing-room.  c. 
t'nat  there  is  something  still,  of  which  you  v.-ish  to  keep  me  in  ignorance. 
But  I'll  find  it  out ;  yet  how  1  is  the  question — I  have  an  idea — she  is 
in  momentary  expectation  of  her  new  dancing-master.  Splash  is  a 
clever  fellow  ;  and  I  know  him  to  be  devoted  to  my  interest.  He  shall 
be  this  dancing-master  For  when  they  are  off  their  guard,  he  will, 
most  likely,  be  able  to  discover  what  this  mystery  means.  One  of  my 
masquerade  dresses  that  I  had  to  try  on  yesterday  will  be  the  very  thing 
for  him      Yes,  yes,  my  pretty  widow,  you  may  yet  be  caught. 

\Exit  Mandeville,  l   u. 


THE    YOUKG    WIDOW.  V 

Enter  Lucy,  r.  h. 

Lucy.  My  mistress  has  got  rid  of  him  at  last.  I  wonder  how  she 
iTianaged  it.  Lord  !  what  troubles  those  creatures  are.  There's  Mr. 
Splash  and  his  public-house  have  been  running  in  my  head  all  day.  I 
almost  begin  to  wish,  that  I  were  married  to  him,  if  it  were  only  ihat  I 
might  care  nothing  about  him.  My  mistress  must  have  managed  her 
own  affair  very  cleverly,  though,  for  Mr.  Mandeville  seemed  to  go  away 
in  a  very  good  humor.  They  say,  that  Cupid  always  shoots  lovers 
through  the  heart ;  now  it's  my  opinion  he  always  shoots  them  through 
the  eyes,  for  the  poor  creatures  are  sure  to  become  blind,  as  soon  as  he 
assails  them.  But  now  the  mischief  is  done,  I  may  as  well  take  away 
this  unlucky  dress.  [Knock,  l. 

She  (ake-i  off  (he  dress,  and  returns  immediately  ;  a  loud  double  knock 
is  heard  at  the  street  door. 
Oh,  my  mistress'  new  dancing-master,  I  suppose. — \_looking  off.]     Yes, 
and  here  he  is. 

Splash  enters,  l.  h.,  capering  very  formally,  disguised  as  a  Dancing- 
master. 

Lucy.  The  professor  of  dancing,  I  presume. 

Splash.  The  same. 

Lucy.   Pray  what  name  shall  I  tell  my  mistress  T 

Splash.  Oh,  the  devil  I  I  never  thought  of  a  name.  However  I  must 
give  one.     Oh.  say,  that  Mr.  Chassez  waits. 

Lucy.  Lor' — what  a  curious  looking  figure.  I'm  sure  I  have  seen 
his  face  before  tho'.  \^Exit  Lucy  to  her  Mistress,  c. 

Splash.  Well,  it's  clear  she  don't  suspect  me — a  curious  whim  this 
of  my  master's,  turning  me  into  a  teacher  of  dancing  ;  but  fortunately  I 
lived  with  a  professor  once,  so  I  know  something  about  the  [cuts.] 
However,  my  chief  business  is  to  look  about,  and  see  if  I  can  discover 
any  thing  of  this  terrible  captain.  I  shall  look  after  my  little  Lucy  too  ; 
for  it  would  be  very  curious,  if,  when  I'm  looking  after  the  captain,  I 
should  stumble  on  the  corporal. 

Splash  begins  looking  about.  He  is  just  peeping  under  the  table. 
AuRELiA  and  Lucy  enter,  and  perceive  him,  c. 

Aurel.  What  is  the  man  about? 

Splash.  Excuse  me,  ma'am.  I  was  just  remarking  that  the  lower 
part  of  this  table  is  very  like  the  legs  of  a  piano. 

Aurel.  Pray,  sir,  what  instrument  do  you  profess  principally  1 

Splash.  What  instrument  !  [aside.]  I  did  not  know  I  was  to  be  a 
music-master  too.  Oh,  ma'am,  one  instrument  is  exactly  the  same  to 
me  as  another.  I  can  give  you  a  lesson  immediately,  if  you  wish  it, 
either  on  the  kettle-drums.  Irish  bagpipes,  Jews'-harp,  or  the  French 
horn. 

Aurel.  I  thank  you,  but  I  have  no  wish  to  study  either  of  those 
instruments. 

Splash.  Oh,  very  well,  ma'am  ;  any  lesson  I  shall  give  you  will  bo 
equally  instructive,  let  it  he  on  what  instrument  it  will. 


iO  THE    YOUNG    WIDOW. 

During  the  whole  of  this  scene,  Splash  continues  looking  anxiously 
about  the  apartment,  and  when  noticed  ■pretends  to  be  trying 
attitudes,  pirouettes,  <fc. 

Aurel.  Why,  what  a  strange  creature  it  is.  Stop  him,  Lucy  ;  I 
declare  he's  going  into  the  bed-cliamber. 

Lucy,  [aside.]  .Ma'am,  I  have  my  suspicions. 

As  Lucy  pulls  Splash  back,  she  looks  steadfastly  at  him. 

Liicy.  Pray,  sir,  what  are  you  doing  tliere  T  [aside.']  I'm  confident 
it's  him. 

Splash.  I'm  sure  I  beg  your  pardon.  I  was  merely  looking  about 
me. 

Aurel.  Then  have  the  kindness,  sir,  to  look  about  you  in  this  apart- 
ment. 

Lucy,  [aside  to  Aurelia.]  It's  as  I  suspected.  This  is  all  a  trick, 
ma'am,  that's  Splash  in  di.^guise. 

Aurel.  \_asidc.]  Splash  in  disguise  :  ridiculous! 

Lucy,  [aside.]  Oh,  I'm  sure  it  is,  just  look  at  him,  ma'am.  Look  at 
the  pimple  on  his  nose.     I'd  swear  to  him  by  it  among  ten  thousand. 

Aurel.   [aside.]  Well,  I  declare  it  is  very  like  him. 

Lucy,   [astf/c]   Yes,  ma'am,  and  he  is  sent  here  as  a  spy  upon  us. 

Aurel.  [aside.]  Is  he  indeed  !  then  he  shall  have  a  pretty  story  to 
take  back  with  him. 

Aurelia  gives  Lucy  the  miniature  and  whispers  to  her. 

Lucy,   [nside^  I  will,  ma'am. 

Aurel.   [aside  ]   I'll  teach  him  to  set  his  spies  upon  me. 

Lucy.  But  first,  ma'am,  enjoy  his  embarrassment  a  bit — make  him 
give  you  a  lesson. 

Aurel.  I  will.  [Exit  Lucy,  c. 

Now,  Mr.  Profe.^Eor,  if  you  have  done  examining  the  furniture,  we  will 
begin. 

Splash.  With  the  greatest  pleasure,  [aside.]  What  the  devil  will  she 
want  me  to  do. 

Aurel.  Suppose  we  now  invoke  the  aid  of  Terpsichore. 

Splash.  Terp — who  ! 

Aurel.  Of  Terpsichore. 

Splash,  [aside.]  Oh,  the  deuce  !  there's  a  mouthful — Terp — Terp — 
Terp — Oh  !  I  shall  never  be  able  to  get  it  out,  and  the  worst  of  it  is  I 
don't  know  what  it  means. 

Aurel.  Come,  sir,  shall  it  be  a  minuet. 

Splash,  [aside.]  Good,  it  means  a  minuet.  Oh  yes,  a  topsj-'-turvy 
minuet,  by  all  means. 

Aurel.  But,  pray  tell  me,  sir,  which  key  do  you  consider  the  most 
brilliant  for  a  dance  1  The  major  key,  the' minor  key,  the  key  of  A,  or 
the  key  of  E  ! 

Splash,  [aside  ]  Oh  lord!  among  such  a  bunch  of  keys,  I  shall  never 
hit  upon  the  right.  But  I  believe  impudence  is  every  thing  in  mosv 
afiairs.     Oh,  for  my  part,  I  may  be  singular,  but  I  prefer  the  key  of  I . 

dvrci.  Why  that's  no  key  at  all. 


THE    YOUNG    WIDOW.  11 

Splash.  Isn't  it  ?     Then  I'm  lock-jawed.  [aside. 

Aurel.  But,  perhaps,  j-ou  will  give  me  an  idea  of  what  you  mean  ! 
Splas/i.   Oh,  with  all  the  pleasure  in  life  : 

Spr.ASH  tries  to  hum.  an  air,  but  makes  such  an  outrageous  noise, 
that  AuRELiA  is  obliged  to  stop  her  ears. 

There,  that's  exactly  what  I  mean. 

Aurel.  Bless  my  soul,  I  never  knew  a  dancing-master  with  such  a 
pair  of  lungs  in  my  life. 

Splash.  No,  I  dare  say  not ;  there  are  very  few  dancing-mastcr« 
like  me. 

Aurel.  I  should  hope  so — but  I  think  if  you  could  have  given  it  a  little 
lower. 

Splash.  Oh,  the  easiest  thing  in  the  world,  thanks  be,  my  voice  will 
compass  any  thing  from  A  to  Z. 

Aurel.   [aside.]   From  A  to  Z  !  here's  effrontery  I 
Splash-  Now  then,  ma"am,  if  you  please,  you  can  begin  with  a  shuffle, 
I  generally  end  with  one.  laside. 

As  Splash  sings  and  shews  the  different  steps,  Aurelia  dances. 
Splash. 
Now  commencez  with  a  round  about  O  ; 
The  instep  thus,  the  pliant  toe  turned  out  O. 

'Tis  scarcely  right,  but  I  must  not  dishearten  her — 
Now  pirouette,  then  chassez  to  your  partner. 

Not  too  much  force,  lest  you  the  spirits  ruffle. 
But  look  at  me,  and  then  you'll  learn  to  shuffle. 

Now  lightly  trip — three  demi  pas  avance^ — 
Turn  to  the  right — croissez — and  then  ballancez. 

Brava  !  brava !  Noblet  ne'er  surpass'd  her — 
But  she's  so  apt,  and  I  so  good  a  master. 

Splash,  [aside.]  Bravo  !  bravo  I  I  find  my  talent  only  wants  to  be 
discovered  to  be  properly  appreciated. 

Lucy  enters  from  the  inner  drawing  room,  c.  Kith  an  officer's  sabre- 
tache in  her  hand. 

Lucy.  Oh,  ma'am,  see  what  I've  found  in  the  inner  drawing-room  I 

Splash.  So,  now  I  shall  learn  something. 

Aurel.  Well,  1  declare,  then,  when  the  captain  left  his  concealment, 
after  Mandevillc's  departure,  this  morning,  he  must  have  forgotten  it. 

Splash,  [aside  with  the  utmost  astonishment.^  The  murder's  out  then  ; 
there  is  a  captain  iti  the  way.  and  my  poor  master  stands  a  chance  of 
being  made  one  of  the  cattle-club,  before  he's  even  married. 

Aurelia  makes  signs  to  Lucy  to  put  it  on  the  table,  and  leave  it, 
which  she  does,  and  returns  to  the  inner  drawing-room. 

A^irel.  On  Thursday,  Mr.  Professor,  I  shall  have  the  honor  of  seeing 
you  again  ;  till  then,  your  most  obedient. 


12  THE    YOCXG    WIDOW. 

Splash.   Madam,  Tin  your's  devotedly. 

[AiRELiA  re-cniers  the  bed-chamber,  c. 

Splnxh.  Here's  a  pretty  story  for  my  master  !  If  I  were  not  afraid  of 
being  taken  up  for  a  highway  robbery,  I  should  vastly  lilie  to  see  what's 
in  that.  Egad  !  there's  no  one  looking,  and — 'faith  I'll  have  a  peep,  let 
the  consequence  be  what  it  will.  [opais  the  sabre-tache. 

Here's  something,  however. 

Puts  his  hand  in,  and  takes  out  the  identical  miniature,  M.4.nijevillb 
had  returned  to  Aurelia. 

If  further  proof  were  wanting,  here  it  is — the  very  picture  my  poor 
master  prized  so  much.  I  shall  take  it  home  to  him,  or  he'll  never 
believe  me.  Oh,  what  a  lucky  escape  for  him  !  But  here's  Lucy. 
Egad  I  as  I  find  the  mistress  such  a  Lucretia,  I  may  as  well  know  a 
little  more  about  the  virtue  of  the  maid,  before  I  go  any  further. 

Re-enter  Lucy,  c 

Lucy.  [ai-afe>.]  So,  it's  all  right — he  has  got  the  picture.  Oh,  I  beg 
your  pardon,  sir,  but  I  thought  you  were  gone. 

Splash.  No,  Miss  Lucy  ;  I  waited  for  the  pleasure  of  wishing  you 
good  morning. 

Luc;/.  Oh,  sir  I  [axidc.]  He  has  taken  some  jealous  fit  into  his  head 
now,  I  suppose  :  well,  if  he  have,  he  shall  suflTer  for  it — that's  all  I  can 
say. 

Splash.  Oh,  Miss  Lucy  I  ipathelically. 

Lucy.   Oh,  Mr.  Chassez  I  \_imitati7ig  him. 

Splash.  I  have  heard  that  you  are  going  to  be  married.  Miss  Lucy. 

Lucy.  \\  hy,  sir.  such  a  thing  has  been  talked  of,  but  the  fact  is,  I 
have  altered  my  mind. 

Splash.  That's  strange,  for  I  understand  your  intended  was  one  Mr. 
Splash,  a  very  clever,  discreet,  handsome  y-oung  fellow. 

Lucy.  Oh,  sir,  then  you've  been  terribly  misinformed  ;  Mr.  Splash  is 
exactly  the  contrary  of  v.hat  you  mention — he's  the  most  vulgar,  illite- 
rate, ordinary  person  you  ever  beheld,  [aside.]  I'll  give  it  him,  how- 
ever. 

Splash,  [asidc-l  This  is  pleasant.  Well,  I  always  thought,  that,  at 
least,  his  beauty  could  not  be  called  in  question.  l_concciledly. 

Lucy.  His  beauty  ! — he's  about  as  handsome  as  a  hedge-hog. 

Splaf<h.   \_asidc.J  How  damned  pointed  she  is  ! 

Lucy.  If  I  had  married  him,  I  should,  perhaps,  have  made  something 
of  him. 

Splash,  [aside]  If  you  had  married  him,  you  would  have  made 
something  of  him,  I've  no  doubt : — I'll  try  her  further.  Do  you  know. 
Miss  Lucy,  I  don't  know  how  it  is,  but  I  feel  a  sort  of  presedtmenl 
towards  you  myself 

Lucy.  Lord,  sir,  you  flatter  me. 

Splash.  No,  I'd  scorn  it  :  and  do  you  know.  Miss  Lucy,  I'd  give  a 
guinea  only  for  a  taste  of  those  sweet-looking  lips. 

Lucy.  \_uipi)ig  her  mouth  with  her  apron.]  Oh.  sir,  you're  too  generous 
a  great  deal. 


THE    TOUNG    WIDOW.  13 

Splas^.  [aside.]  ^^'lly,  curse  me,  if  she  an't  going  to  take  my  money ! 
Well,  they  say  experience  bought  is  the  best,  so  I'll  have  a  guinea's 
worth  at  all  events,  [gixvig  her  the  guinea.']  Here  you  pretty  dear- 
looking  [kisses  her.] — [aside.]  infernal  baggage. 

Lucy.  Thank  you,  sir.     You  hav'n't  got  another  guinea,  have  you  1 

isplash.  No,  no — I  thank  you  ;   I've  had  quite  enough. 

Lucy,   [aside.]  I  never  thought  he  was  such  a  fool. 

Splash,  [aside]  Was  ever  such  a  rhinoceros!  How  I  should  like  to 
let  her  know  who  I  am,  and  upbraid  her  for  her  perfidy,  [imitating  her 
aside.]  "  Those  lips  must  never  be  touched  by  mortal  man  till  after  the 
ceremony  at  least." — no,  not  till  after  the  ceremony  of  paying  for  it, 
I  find. 

Lucy.  Arc  you  going,  sir  I 

Splash..  Going — yes.  [aside.]  I  wish  I  had  been-in  the  river  before  I 
had  ever  come.     Oh,  master,  master,  here's  a  pretty  pair  of  us  !  [going. 

Lucy.  Sir,  sir  ;  when  you  have  got  any  more  guineas  to  spare,  you'll 
know  how  to  dispose  of  them,  [aside]  I  think  I  have  given  him  a  dose 
for  his  disguises  at  any  rate.  [Exit  Lucy,  r. 

Splash.  Well,  this  is  cruelly  agreeable  !  I  have  made  some  pretty 
discoveries  this  morning.  The  mistress  conceals  a  captain  in  her  cup- 
board, and  the  maid  sells  her  kisses  at  a  guinea  apiece  :  I  suppose  they 
would  come  cheaper,  though,  by  taking  a  quantity.  But  I  have  one 
comlbrt — I  can  go  home,  and  make  my  master  as  miserable  as  myself — 
and  curse  me  if  1  don't,  too.     Oh,  woman,  woman  !  [Exit,  l. 

SCENE  n. — M.\xdeville's   apartment. — Enter  M.\ndeville,  musing, 

L.  H. 
Mand.  Alas,  how  tedious  are  the  moments  of  uncertainty  !  Splash 
must  have  committed  some  blunder,  or  he  would  surely  have  returned 
ere  this.  I  am  almost  distracted  ;  for  to  say  the  least  of  it,  that  officer's 
entering  the  house  at  such  an  hour  has  a  very  strange  appearance. 
But  still,  I  will  not  believe  my  Aurelia  guilty  till  I  have  more  convincing 
proofs  of  her  inconstancy.  No,  no,  from  this  lucky  idea  of  mine  of 
sending  Splash  as  the  dancing-master,  he  will  be  able  to  give  me  the 
most  convincing  assurance  of  her  attachment  to  me  ;  he  will  be  able  at 
once  to  see  that  all  my  suspicions  were  unfounded,  as  I  now  am  sure, 
they  must  have  been,  [noise  without.]  And  if  I  still  felt  otherwise,  here 
comes  Splash  to  remove  even  the  shadow  of  a  doubt ;  he  looks  quite 
overcome  with  pleasure  at  the  joyful  tidings  he  has  to  communicate. 

Splash  enters  l.  h.  in  a  state  of  complete  abstraction,  and  hurries 
backwards  and  forwards  without  taking  the  least  notice  of  his 
master. 

Splash,  [aside.]  Oh  Lucy  I  Lucy  I  thou  most  perfidious  of  all  waiting 
women  ! 

Mand.  Tell  me.  Splash,  is  she  not  innocent  I 

Splash.  Oh,  yes  sir,  very  innocent.  She  let  me  kiss  her,  without  the 
li-aKt  ceremony. 

Mand.  Let  you  kiss  her,  you  scoundrel  ! 

Sylash.  Yes,  sir,  after  I  had  given  her  a  guinea. 


14  THE    YOUNG   -WIDOW. 

Mand.  "Why,  the    ellow's  mad  I 

Splash.  No,  no,  sir.  I  don't  mean  she  let  me  kiss  her,  I  mean  the 
dancing-master. 

Maud,  [coltari/ig  him.]  Why,  you  infernal  villain. 

SpluaJi.  Oh,  pray  forgive  me.  sir.  for  I  hardly  know  what  I'm  saying. 
The  fact  is — the  fact  is — we're  a  couple  of  wretched  individuals. 

Miind.  What  is  the  meaning  of  all  this  1 

Splash.  Oh.  sir,  the  meaning's  too  plain,  when  I've  told  you  all. 
There,  sir — look  there,  sir  ;  what's  the  meaning  of  that? 

[siving  Am  master  the  picture. 

Mand  'Why  this  is  her  miniature  that  I  returned  to  her  this 
morning. 

Splash.  Yes,  sir,  and  that's  the  miniature  that  she  gave  the  Captain 
this  afternoon,  who'was  concealed  in  the  inner  apartment  while  you 
were  in  the  outer  one,  and  who  escaped  the  moment  you  left  the  place. 
There  are  discoveries  I've  made,  all  through  our  admirable  contri- 
vance. 

Mand.  Splash,  you  electrify  me! 

Splash.   Ah,  sir,  and  I  wi.sh  somebody  would  electrify  me  too. 

Mand.   But  are  you  positive  ! 

Splash.  Positive  !  Seeing's  believing,  you  know,  sir.  From  my 
being  in  disguise,  they  made  no  secret  of  it.  whatever,  but  spoke  of  the 
Captain  openly.  That  picture  I  found  myself — in  his — what-you-may- 
ca!l-it,  sir — a  thing  that  hangs  about  his  heels  in  the  shape  of  a  shovel 
v\ithout  a  handle.  By  the  bye,  sir,  as  I  was  coming  out,  I  met  the  real 
professor,  and  if  I  had  not  shoved  him  down  an  area, — and — nearly 
broke  his  neck,  all  our  fine  scheme  would  been  knocked  on  the  head. 

Mand  And  she  has  sunk  so  low  too  as  to  let  the  dancing-master 
kiss  her  ! 

Spla-'^h.  Oh  no,  I  can't  say  that,  sir  ;  that  was  a  little  affair  of  my 
own — that  was  Miss  Lucy.  I  find  the  maid's  about  as  virtuous  as  the 
mistress,  sir,  we  should  have  cut  admirable  figures  in  a  short  time.  Oh, 
they  are  a  precious  pair  ! 

Mand.  Then  I'll  never  trust  woman  more  I 

Splash.  Kor  I  either,  sir — no,  we'll  mingle  our  tears  together,  and 
rail  at  the  whole  sex  I 

Mand.  None  of  your  impertinence,  sir, — yes.  I  will  leave  this  place 
immediately. — I'll  become  a  wanderer. 

Splash.  Yes,  sir  ;   and  I'll  be  a  wanderer  too. 

Mand.  And  so  you  shall — misery  places  us  all  on  an  equality.  Give 
me  your  hand  :  henceforth  you  are  my  friend — you  shall  go  where  I  go, 
and  do  as  I  do. 

Splash.  Thank  you  sir. 

Mand.  Yes,  I'll  blow  out  my  brains.  Splash. 

Splash.  Oh,  sir,  that  would  be  a  splash  I 

Mand.  And  so  shall  you,  my  faichful  fellow  ! 

Splash.  [aside.'\  No,  Til  be  hang'd  if  I  do  I  Why,  sir,  to  say  the 
truth,  that's  a  sort  of  equality  I'm  not  at  all  anxious  of  enjoying  with 
you  :  in  fact,  it'3  too  low  for  my  ideas  altogether.  Besides,  I  can't  sea 
the  benefit  of  it. 


THE    YOUNG    WIDOW.  16 

^rand.  Why,  Splash,  I  still  think,  she  has  a  heart — and  when  I  blow 
out  my  brains,  I  shall  be  revenged  in  knowing  what  she'll  feel  when  she 
hears  of  the  melancholy  catastrophe. 

Splash.  Oh,  sir.  that's  all  very  romantic  ;  but  as  I  don't  think  it  worth 
while  to  blow  out  my  brains  to  mortify  Lucj-,  why  I  must  beg  to  decline 
keeping  you  company — and,  I  have  a  better  idea,  sir. 

Mand.  And  what  is  it.  Splash  ! 

Splash.  Why,  sir,  to  let  you  have  your  revenge  on  her  without  hurt- 
ing yourself. 

Mand.  But  how's  that  to  be  accomplished  1 

Splash.  Why,  sir,  thus — instead  of  your  blowing  out  your  brains  in 
earnest,  let  me  go  and  tell  the  widow  you  have  done  so  ;  and  then 
you'll  be  able  to  enjoy  your  revenge.  Besides,  you  know,  it  won't  be 
too  late  to  do  it  afterwards. 

Mand.  Admirable!  But  if  she  be  not  in  the  most  wretchedly  interest- 
ing state  of  despair  at  the  news,  I  insist  on  doing  it  in  reality. 

Splash.  Very  well,  sir.  you  shall. 

Mand.  Get  me  my  pistols,  .Splash  ;  I  will  put  them  in  my  pocket,  that 
I  may  be  prepared  for  the  worst. 

Splash    [giving  him  a  brace  ]  Here  they  are,  sir. 

Mand.  They  are  loaded,  I  believe  1 

Splash.  Yes,  sir,  three  balls  in  each. 

Mand.   So  much  the  better. 

Splash.  But  you  will  not  want  both  pistols. 

Mand.  No,  my  friend.  I  shall  not  want  them  both — one  of  them  will 
be  sufficient  for  me.  and  the  other  will  do  for  you 

Splash.  Yes,  it  will  do  for  me,  if  I  make  use  of  it.  Really,  sir,  you 
must  excuse  me. 

Mand.  No.  Splash,  I  insist  upon  you  shooting  yourself;  it  will  be 
my  last  command. 

Splash.  Yes,  and  it  will  be  my  last  act  of  obedience  too,  if  I  do  it 
But  I  think,  we'd  better  lose  no  time  ;  you  know,  sir,  you  can  wait  for 
me  down  at  the  pump,  and  directly  I  leave  the  widow,  !  can  run  and  tell 
3'ou  how  she  has  received  the  news  of  your  demise. 

Mand.  Really,  .Splash,  the  thoughts  of  her  grief  has  quite  put  me  it« 
spirits, — but  I  insist  on  blowing  out  my  brains  tho',  after  all,  if  she  bo 
not  interestingly  affected. 

Splash.  Very  well,  sir — agreed.  [aside.'\  You  may  make  a  hole  in 
your  head,  but  if  you  blow  out  your  brauis,  I'll  be  hang'd  ! 

Mand.   What  did  you  say,  sir  1 

Splash  I  said,  that  if  I  were  to  blow  out  your  brains,  I  should  deserve, 
to  be  hanqed. 

Mand.  No,  no ;  we'll  manage  it  better  than  that,  we'll  each  shool 
ourselves,  and  then  we  shall  evade  the  law. 

{^Exeunt  M.iNDEviLLE  and  Splash,  l.  h. 

SCEN1.  /TI. —  KvRKhi.KS  apart mcnl :  The  same  as  the  first  scene. — A 
sme'^  -^rccn  is  in  the  room  which  must  be  sufficiently  low  for  a  person 
to  Ir  '  over. 

Enter  AuRELi.i,  c.  d. 


16  THE    YOUNG    WIDOW. 

Atirel.  I  wonder  how  my  spark  has  received  his  supposed  confirma- 
tion of  my  infidelity.  I  believe,  I  must  confess  the  truth  to  hhn  after 
all  :  but  first  to  punish  him  for  his  suspicion^,  and  try  to  cure  him  of 
his  eccentricity,  I  mean  to  put  on  my  ofiicer's  dress  once  more,  to  see 
how  he  will  bear  the  sight  of  his  favored  rival,  and  when  I  consider 
myself  sufficiently  revenged,  I  will  throw  off  my  disguise  and  ask  his 
forgiveness. 

Enter  Lucy  in  haste,  l. 

■9 

Lucy.  Oh  ma'am,  ma'am  !  there's  something  else  in  the  wind  ;  there's 
more  mischief  brewing. 

Aurel.  Why  do  you  think  so  1 

Lxicy.  Why,  ma'am,  just  as  I  was  looking  out  the  upstairs'  window, 
what  should  1  see  but  Mr.  Splash  and  his  master,  down  by  the  post  in 
the  deepest  consultation,  presently  they  divided,  and  Splash  is  coming 
towards  the  house. 

Aurd.  Never  mind,  Lucy,  only  let  us  be  upon  our  guard,  and  I'll  be 
a  match  for  him.  I  warrant. 

Lucy.  Yes,  ma'am,  I  hope  you  will  some  day  ;  but  Splash  is  here. 

Splash  enters,  l.  u.  with  his  handkerchief  to  his  eyes,  and  portraying 
all  the  symptoms  of  the  most  excessive  sorrow. 

Aurel.  For  heaven's  sake,  Splash,  what  is  the  matter  1 

Splash.  Oh  !   oh  !   oh  I  ma'am  ! 

Lucy,   [a-ndc  to  Aurelia.]  This  is  some  trick,  ma'am,  depend  on  it. 

Splash.   Oh  dear  I   oh  dear  !   oh  dear  I 

Lucy.  M'hy,  you  havn't  got  the  tooth-aclie,  have  you,  Mr.  Splash  1 

Splash.  Oh,  the  tooth-ache.  But  it's  so  dreadful,  I  shall  never  bo 
able  to  tell  you  what  it  is. 

Aurel.  Now,  pray,  Mr.  Splash,  compose  yourself,  and  let  us  know  the 
worst ;    for  nothing  can  be  so  bad  as  this  dreadful  state  of  uncertainty. 

Splash.  Well,  I  suppose  I  may  as  well  out  with  it. 

Aurel.  Come,  now,  I'm  quite  impatient. 

Splash.  You  must  know  then,  that  my  poor  master,  ma'am,  had  takei 
it  into  his  head  to  be  jealous  of  you,  and  all  I  could  say  in  your  favoi 
would  not  satisfy  him  ;  and  about  two  hours  since 

V        "  ?•    Well,  about  two  hours  since — 1 
Lucy.  5 

Splash.  W'hy,  about  two  hours  since,  he  put  a  pistol  to  his  head,  and 
blew  the  whole  of  his  brains  into  the  h-air,  oh  !   oh  I 

Aurel.   [very  coolly. ~\  And  is  it  only  that  1 

Splash.  Only  that  1  \_asidc.'\  Why,  what  the  devil  would  she  have  . 
I  suppose,  she  thinks,  he  ought  to  have  blown  away  body  and  all ! 

Lucy,   [aside  to  Aurel.]   I  told  you  it  was  some  scheme,  ma'am. 

Aurel.  [aside  to  Luc  v.]  Never  mind,  I'll  punish  him  for  it.  Well, 
this  is  really  very  unfortunate 

Splash.  Oh,  it's  dreadful  ! 

Aurel.   But  are  you  sure  he's  dead,  Splash  ? 

Splash,  ^^'hy,  ma'am,  he  has  got  three  bullets  through  hisjicad,  and 
I  think  tlic  probability  is,  that  he's  not  in  a  perfect  state  of  activity. 


THE    YOUXG    WIDOW.  17 

Aurel.   Three  bullets  .   then  he  must  be  very  dead. 

Splash.  Yes,  ma'ani,  he's  very  dead  indeed. — [asi'rfe.]  How  cursedly 
cool  she  takes  it. 

Aurel.  But  I  have  been  thinking,  Lucy -[weeps.^ 

Splash,   [asidc.l   Come,  she's  beginning  to  feel  it. 

Aurel.  I  ])avc  been  thinking,  Lucy,  whether  it  would  not  be  proper 
for  me  to  put  on  mourning  on  the  melancholy  occasion  1 

Splash,  [a.iide.]  Upon  my  soul,  I  wish  ray  master  could  see  her. 

Lucy.  Why,  ma'am,  as  things  had  gone  So  far,  I  think  it  would  be 
showing  a  mark  of  respect  towards  the  deceased,  you  know,  you  can 
have  it  made  very  fashionable,  ma'am. 

Aurel.  And  so  I  can,  but  still  it's  distressing. 

Splash.  Oh,  dreadfully  distressing  !   oh  I 

Aurel.  And  so  it  is,  to  be  obliged  to  appear  in  black,  when  rose  color 
predominates  so. 

Lucy.  And  so  it  is,  ma'am. 

Splash.   \_aside?^  I  am  electrified  now  ! 

Aurel.  [aside  to  Lucy.]  Where's  my  uniforrn  1 

Lucy,  [aside  to  Aurel  J   Down  in  the  back  parlor. 

Aurel.  I  fear  my  excessive  grief  will  render  me  unfit  to  see  company 
to-day,  and  so  I'll  retire  and  indulge  in  sorrow.  But  mind,  Lucy,  you 
don't  neglect  sending  for  the  dress-maker. — Poor  Mandeville!  how  very 
weak  it  was  of  him  !  I'll  never  forgive  him  for  it,  that  I  won't !  I  think. 
— A  few  bugles  might  be  introduced — a  naughty — naughty  man  ! 

[Exit  AURELIA,   c. 

Splash,  [aside,  mimicking  her.]  A  naughty,  naughty  man  ! — Well, 
my  master  may  wait  at  the  pump  for  a  twelve-month,  before  I'll  go  and 
tell  him  this  :  he'd  not  only  blow  his  own  brains  out,  but  perhaps  mine 
too! 

Lucy.   Well,  Splash,  so  the  poor  man's  gone  ! 

Splash^  Yes,  Lucy. 

Lucy.  And,  I  fear  by  the  e.xccss  of  your  grief,  Splash 

Splash    What,  Lucy  ! 

Lucy.  That  he  hasn't  left  you  a  legacy. 

Splash,  [aside.']  What  a  thoughtful  soul  it  is. 

Lucy.  Not  that  I'm  in  the  least  interested. 

Spla.'ih.  No,  no  ;  it  isn't  that,  I've  other  griefs  at  heart. 

Lucy.  And  what  are  they,  Splash  1 

Spla.s/i.  [aside.]  Nov/  I'll  give  it  her.  Why,  Lucy,  yesterday,  I  met 
a  friend — a  Mr.  Chassez.   [aside.]     I'll  place  it  allegorically. 

Lucy,   [aside.]  V^'hafs  he  about  now  I 

Splash,  [aside.]  How  the  name  has  struck  her  ! — This  friend  told 
me  a  strange  story  about  a  lady,  called  Lucy  ;  about  a  guinea,  and  a 
kiss,  and  tlie  deuce  knows  what. 

Lucy.  You  met  a  friend  you  say  ! 

Splash.  Yes,  to  be  sure  1  did — he's  a  friend  of  yours  too,  I  believe 

Lucy.  What  have  I  done  ] 

Spla.ifi.  I'm  sure  I  don't  know,  you  can  tell  best,  but  I  suppo.se  you'll 
deny  it  all. 

Lucy,   [aside]   I'm  not  so  silly — not  one  word  of  it.   Splash.     It's  all 


18  THE    YOUNG    WIDOW. 

true  ;  the  kiss  and  the  guinea,  both.  But  pardon  me,  Splash,  I  was 
foolish  enough  to  think  that  Mr.  Chassez  was  yourself  in  disguise. 

Splash,  [atarling;  with  asLonishmcnt.^  No,  did  you  tho'  .'  \asidc.'\ 
"What  a  quick-sighted  toad  it  is.  But  i"Il  swear  it  wasn't  me,  to  mor- 
tify her. 

Lucy.  Now  tell  me.  Splash,  wasn't  it  you  1 

Splash.  Lord  bless  you,  how  could  you  think  I  would  be  so  foolish  I 

Lucy.   \  ou're  sure  it  wasn't  you  ■ 

Splanh.   Positive  ! 

Lucy,  [^wiping  her  mouth.'\  Oh,  what  have  I  done  then  1  I've  let 
another  man  kiss  me  ! 

Splash,  [asiilc  ]  This  is  delightful  I  Oh.  you've  made  a  pretty  busi- 
ness of  it  !   [wiih  affected  gravity. '\    Oh  you  little  profiigate  ! 

Lucy.  But  forgive  uie.  Splash,  and  I  swear  that  no  man  but  yourself 
shall  ever  touch  my  lips  again. 

Splash,   \^'ell,  well,  I  forgive  you  on  that  condition. 

Lucy,  l^asidc.}  Lord,  what  fools  men  are  ! 

Splash.  {asuk.'\  Oh,  I  am  the  happiest  dog  alive  I  I  wonder  how  my 
poor  master  is,  down  at  the  pump. 

Lucy.  Well,  Splash,  I  must  wish  you  good  bye  now  ;  but  you  won'l 
forget  in  the  evening  again. 

Splash.  No,  my  darling,  farewell. 

Lucy,   [aside,  as  she  goes  off.]  Now  there's  a  pretty  simpleton  for  you. 

I  Exit,  c. 

Splash.   Oh,  I'm  in  ccstacy.  [^Going  off — noise  without. 

Eh  !  why  if  there  ain't  my  master's  rival,  the  captain,  coming  up  stairs. 
I  shall  mal^e  more  discoveries.  I'll  step  behind  that  screen,  and  observe 
him. 

[As  he  is  going  behind  the  screen,  Lucy  opens  the  chamber-door,  and 
observes  him  ;  she  immediately  shuts  it  again  and  retires. 

Splash,  [from  the  screen.]  Yes,  yes,  here  I  shall  be  able  to  hear  and 
see  all  that  passes.     Not  that  I  have  any  doubt  remaining  about  Lucy. 

\_Hides  him-iclf. 

Enter  Lucy,  c. 

Lucy,  [aside.]  Behind  the  screen,  eh"  Well,  it  sha'n't  be  my  fault 
if  he's  not  perfectly  satisfied,  at  all  events,  and,  fortunately,  here  comes 
my  mistress. 

Enter  .\l'relia  in  the  captain's  uniform,  c. 

Avrel.  Now,  Lucy. 

Lucy,  [aside.]  Hush,  ma'am,  there's  Splash  hid  behind  the  screen. 
Can't  you  make  a  little  love  to  me  1 

A\rel.  [aside.]  Oh,  to  be  .sure  I  can.  Now,  my  dear  girl,  is  my 
Aurelia  visible  ! 

Splash,   [amdc]   His  Aurelia  ! 

Lucy.  To  say  the  truth,  captain,  she's  now  dressing  ;  you  know  she 
could  not  think  of  receiving  you  in  dishabille. 

Aicrel.  Don't  hurry  her  ;  while  I  have  a  pretty  maid  to  keep  me  com- 
pany. I  don't  mind  waiting  a  few  moments  for  the  widow. 


THE    YOUNG    WIDOW.  19 

Lucy.  Oh,  captain,  you're  very  gallant. 

isplash.   [aside.]  Very. 

Aurel.  And  really,  my  dear,  before  Aurelia  comes,  I  positively  must 
have  a  kiss  of  those  pouting  lips. 

Splash,  [aside  ]  Well,  one  good  thing,  .she  has  sworn  not  to  let  any 
one  kiss  her  but  myself. 

[Aurelia  and  Lucy  toyins  together. 

Lucy.  Really,  you  military  gentlemen  are  so  very  persevering. 

Aiu'rl.  But  not  the  less  welcome,  1  vva!|i:ant.  \_ktsse!i  her. 

Splash.  \^aside  ]  If  she  an't  forsworn  before  my  face  I  but  he's  not  a 
mav,  1  suppose,  he's  a  gentleman. 

Lucy.   [ttA'/f/f.]  I  wonder  how  Mr.  Splash  likes  that.        \ixoise  without. 

Lucy,  [aside.]  There  is  some  one  coming. — You  had  belter  retire, 
captain,  if  yyu  please,  to  the  inner  drawing-room. 

Aurel.  As  you  please,  my  darling  ;  but  come  hither,  Lucy,  for  I 
positively  must  have  another  kiss. 

Exeunt  Aureli.\  arid  Lucy  to  the  inner  drawing-room,  c. 

Splash.  I  think  I  ought  to  be  satisfied  now.  I  wish  I  could  escape, 
but  some  one  else  is  coming,  [looking  off.]  Confound  it — if  it  an't  my 
master  !  I  mustn't  let  him  see  me,  or  he'll  out  with  his  pistols  in  a 
minute.  [fi''<^*  behind  the  screen  again. 

Enter  Mandeville,  l.  h. 

Mand.  I  am  confident  that  Splash  has  played  me  false.  I  have  been 
wailing  this  hour  for  him  down  at  that  cursed  pump.  But  I  am  resolved 
now  to  be  trifled  with  no  longer,  and  come  to  an  explanation  at  once 
[noise  without.]  Some  one  approaches. 

Enter  Avrelia  from  the  inner  drawing-room  in  her  military  dress,  c. 

By  all  my  fears,  my  rival ! 

Splash,  [aside.]  Yes,  there  he  is  ;  there'll  be  a  pretty  set-to. 

Aurel.  [aside.]  So,  here  is  the  dead  man ;  now  to  prepare  for  a 
storm. 

Mi-ind.  [aside.]  I  would  have  instant  satisfaction,  but  I  will  not  let 
him  enjoy  the  triumph  of  knowing  who  I  am. 

Aurel.  A  friend  of  the  widow's,  I  presume! 

Mand.   1  was.     You,  I  believe,  are  still  a  friend  of  her'sl 

Aurel.  A  very  particular  one. 

Splash,   [aside.]  What  the  devil  are  they  going  at  now  1 

Mand.  You  have  business  here,  I  suppose  ! 

Aurel.  Very  urgent  business  ;  in  fact,  the  case  stands  thus  : — Aurelia 
and  myself  have  been,  for  some  time,  affectionately  attached  to  each 
other  ;  unfortunately,  she  had  given  her  word  to  an  ither,  and  resolved 
to  keep  it  ;  now  this  other,  as,  of  course,  you  will  guess,  was  a  very 
weak,  simple  sort  of  a  personage — 

Mand.  No  sir,  I  should  guess  quite  the  contrary 

Aurel.  Only  hear  me  out. 

Splash,  [aside.]  I  wish  I  could  get  out. 

Aurel.  And  if  you  don't  agree  with  me  then,  I'u  give  up  the  point. 


20  THE    YUUxNG    WIDOW. 

For  what  should  you  think  ?  In  this  state  of  affairs,  this  poor  foolish 
devil,  in  a  lit  of  jealousy,  has  not  only  been  kind  enough  to  me,  but 
cruel  enough  to  himself  to  blow  his  br.iins  out.  Not  that  I  suspect  he 
ever  had  many  ;  and  I  dare  say  you  think  so  too. 

Jland.   Sir,  whatever  I  may  think,  I'll  thank  you  to  proceed. 

Aurcl.  Well  sir,  he  having  blown  out  his  brains,  every  obstacle  is 
removed.  The  widow  writes  to  me,  and  I  now  come  to  supply  the 
place  of  her  former  lover.     A  lucky  dog,  an't  I  ! 

^  l^slaps  Mandeville  on  the  shoulder. 

Splash.  [_(i.nde.'\  Hit  him^fain,  sir. 

Mand.  [a.svV/c]  Who  could  have  thought  my  Aurelia  had  been  so 
completely  worthless. 

Aurel.  But  before  I  open  my  confidence  any  further,  may  I  beg  to 
know  to  whom  I  have  the  honor  of  speaking? 

Mand  \_asidc  ]  I  have  been  such  a  fool,  that,  curse  me,  if  I  an't 
ashamed  to  tell  him  who  I  am  ! 

Aurcl.    Will  you  favor  me  with  your  namel 

Mand.  My  name,  sir,  can  be  of  little  importance,  let  it  suflice  that  I 
am  a  gentleman,  and  a  friend  of  this  poor  foolish  devil's. 

Splash.  \_asLde.'\  Oh,  he's  friend,  is  he  1  he's  placing  it  allegorically 
too. 

Aurel.  You  may  be  his  friend,  but  ail  I  can  say  is,  that  to  boast  of 
his  friendship,  is  but  a  poor  compliment  to  yoijr  own  wisdom. 

Mand.  Sir,  I  will  put  up  with  this  no  longer.  I  demand  the  satisfac- 
tion of  a  gentleman. 

Aurel.  Oh,  very  well,  sir,  you  shall  have  any  satisfaction  you  think 
proper  ;  name  your  time  and  place.* 

Mand.  Sir,  there  is  no  time  or  place,  so  proper  as  this  apartment  and 
the  present  moment. 

Aurcl.  Oh,  very  well,  sir,  I'm  perfectly  agreeable.  [asiV/e.]  I  know 
there  are  no  arms  in  the  house,  and  so  I  may  as  well  show  my 
bravery. 

Mand.  I'm  glad  to  find  you  so  ready. 

Aurel.  I'm  ready  this  instant — it  can't  be  settled  too  quickly. 

Splas/i.   [a.iidc.}  Vv'hy  if  they  an't  going  to  fight  in  earnest. 

Mand.  [talcing-  the  pistols  out  of  his  poc/:cts.]  Luckily  I'm  provided. 
— Here,  sir,  choose  your  weapon. 

Aurelia  seems  ready  to  faint  at  the  sight  of  them. 

Aurel.  [aside  ]  What  a  murderous  fellow  it  is.  I  would  not  have 
ventured  a  syllable  about  fighting,  if  I  had  thought  there  had  been  a 
pistol  within  a  mile  of  me. 

Mayid.  Come.  sir.  no  trifling,  take  your  choice. 

Aurel.  [asidc'\  What  shall  1  do  ^  if  I  scream  out,  I  shall  be  obliged 
to  discover  the  whole  plot.  I  have  it,  I'll  place  myself  close  to  Splash, 
he'll  surely  not  let  his  master  fire  that  way. 

Mand.  Come,  sir,  take  your  position. 

Aurcl.  [running  towards  the  serce?i.]   This  is  my  ground. 

Splash,  [looking  over  the  screen  in  the  greatest  agony.']  Why  if  he 
aint — come — close  to  me,  I  shall  have  three  bullets  through  me  pre- 
sently I 


THE    YOfXG    M'inOW.  21 

Mand.  How  are  we  to  arrange  the  signal  ' 

Aurd.  As  you  please. 

Splash.  [asidc.'\  Oh,  curse  the  signal  I      I  can  never  stand  this  ! 

Mand.  Very  well,  sir ;  when  I  say  One,  Two,  Tiircc,  we'll  both  fire 
together. 

Splash,  [aside.]  Yes,  and  I  shall  drop  between  you. 

Aurel.  [aside  ]   If  Splash  don't  call  out,  I  must. 

Splash,  laside.]  Oh  I'm  a  dead  man  to  a  certainty  I 

Ma77d.  One — Two — 

Sj)lash.   Hold  !  hold  I  flesh  and  blood  can  hear  it  no  longer! 

[SpL.-iSH  throics  down  the  screen  and  discovers  himself. 

Aurel.  [aside.]  Thank  Heaven  !  I  was  just  gohig  to  fall  on  my 
knees  !  [to  M.\nd.]  This  aflair  must  be  settled  then  at  another  oppor- 
tunity, till  then  farewell.  [Exit  Aurklia  into  the  hed-chamber,  c. 

Mand.  [to  Splash.]  What  did  you  do  there,  scoundrels 

Splash.  Nothing,  sir,  nothing 

Mand.  Then  you  should  have  laid  quiet  till  I  had  fired. 

Splash.  I  should  have  laid  guict  enough,  if  I  had — no,  no,  I  thank 
you,  sir,  you  might  have  shot  at  the  pigeon  and  killed  the  crow,  perhaps. 

Mand.  Very  true — very  true.     Let  me  consider  awhile. 

[scats  himself. 

Splash,  [aside.]  I  hope  he'll  go  home  quietly.  It's  my  firm  opinion, 
he's  out  of  his  mind. 

Mand.  Well,  Splash  ]  [musing. 

Splash.  Well,  sir,  vi'hat  shall  we  do  now  1 

Mand.  Why,  now,  Splash,  we'll  put  our  design  into  execution : — 
here,  take  your  pistol.  [ofjcring  him  one. 

Splash.   Lord,  sir,  you're  not  in  earnest  1 

Mand.  Do  you  consider  blowing  out  your  brains  a  joke  ? 

Splash.  No,  sir  ;  upon  my  soul,  I  consider  it  no  joke  at  all. 

Mand.  Then,  sir,  if  you  have  the  least  respect  for  me,  shoot  yourself 
this  instant 

Sj^lfub.  Shoot  myself!  Lor',  nonsense,  sir  I  it  would  be  the  death 
of  me. 

Mand.   Sir,  this  levity  ill  becomes  the  awful  occasion. 

Splash.  Levity  be  hanged,  sir  !  A  joke's  a  joke,  you  know  ;  but  I 
don't  see  the  fun  of  this. 

Mand.  Sir,  I'm  resolute. 

Splash.  Yes,  sir,  and  so  am  I  ;  and  I'll  be  shot  if  I  blow  my  own 
brains  out  to  please  any  body. — Why,  sir,  it  would  be  downright  parri- 
cide. 

Mand.  Parricide  !   suicide,  I  suppose,  you  mean. 

Splash.  Well,  sir  it's  all  the  same,  and  both  sides  are  bad  enough. 

Mand.  [musinfr.]  Right,  Splash  ;  self-murder  will  not  sound  well. 
It  would  not  read  well  in  the  newspapers. 

Spla-'^h.  No,  sir,  very  liadiy  indeed,  or  else  I  should  have  no  oI)jection. 

Mand.  No,  no — I  have  it ;  I  will  put  my  pistol  to  your  head,  and  you 
shall  put  yours  to  mine  ;  and  then,  when  I  pull  my  trigger,  do  vou  pull 
yours,  and  all  will  be  over. 


22  THE    YOUNG    WIDOW. 

Splash.  Yes  ;  and  as  j-ouTe  so  accommodating,  perhaps,  yon'll  indulge 
me  by  letting  me  have  the  first  pull. 

Mand.  Come,  sir,  lake  your  pistol,  or  I  will  execute  you  first,  and 
then  myself. 

[Follows  Splash  round  the  stage,  presenting  the  pistols  at  him. 

Splash.  Why,  he's  quite  mad.     Here  !  help  !  help  ! 
Enter  Lucy,  n. 

Lvcy.  In  the  name  of  wonder,  what  does  all  this  mean1 

Splash.  Why,  it  means,  that  my  master's  going  to  blow  my  brains 
out. 

Lucy.  Oh,  impossible  I 

Splaah.  Ah,  it's  very  true  though,  for  all  that. 

Mand.  No  more,  sir  ;  and  if  you  can  exist  in  a  world,  where  such 
women  are — live  ! 

Splash.  Thank  you,  sir. 

Mand.  I  shall  consider  further  on  the  business. 

\^Exit  Manheville,  l. 

Splash.  Yes,  and  so  shall  I,  before  I  do  it.  So,  nia'am,  I've  made 
nrore  discoveries — no  one  but  myself  should  ever  touch  those  lips.  Oh, 
you  false  one  ! 

Lucy.  Well,  sir,  if  you  were  mean  enough,  after  what  I  said,  to  sus- 
pect my  truth,   and   conceal   yourself,   in   order  to  detect  me,    I'm  very 
glad  you  met  with  just  the  reward  you  deserved,  and  so  farewell. 
Lucy  enters  the  hed-ehamber. 

Splash.  Here's  consolation,   however.     No,  my  master's  right — he's 

perfectly  right — I  will  not  live  in  a  world,  with  such  women.     I'll  run 

after  him  immediately,  and  if  he's  still  in  the  same  mind,  I'll  shatter  my 

brains  out,  blow  me  I  [£xit,  L.  h. 

Re-enter  Mandeville,  l.  h. 

Mand,  I  had  forgotten  one  thing  still  :  as  I  have  altered  my  mind 
about  shooting  myself,  I  think  I  had  better  leave  my  card  with  the  cap- 
tain, in  order  that  he  may  do  it  for  me.  Some  one  comes.  It  is  Au- 
relia ! 

Enter  Aurelia  in  her  female  attire,  c.  ;  she  affects  alarm  and  aston- 
ishment at  the  sight  of  him. 

Aurcl.  Ah,  can  it  be  I 

Mand.  What  does  she  mean  1  Right,  she  ha?  heard  of  my  death, 
and  now  she  fancies  1  have  come  to  reproach  her  for  her  falsehood. 
Let  me  undeceive  her. — Aurelia!    [very  gravely. '\ 

Aurcl    Oh  dear  !  look  at  his  eyes  ! 

Mand.  Why,  what's  the  matter  with  my  eyes,  [rubbing  them.'\  Think 
not  I  mean  to  reproach  you,  Aurelia. 

Aurcl.  No,  that's  right,  don't ;  but  go  home  again,  and  be  buried 
decently. 

Mand.   Perhaps  I  ought  not  to  be  here  1 

Aurcl.  No.  you  ought  to  be  lying  quietly  in  your  shroud  ; — oh 
don't  come  near  me  ! 


THE    YOUNG    WIDOW.  23 

Mand.  I  am  not  wbat  you  take  me  for,  madam. 

Aurcl.  "\^'hat,  a'n't  you  your  ghost,  then  1 

Mand.  No,  madam,  I  am  no  more  a  ghost  than  you  are. 

Aitrcl.  What,  and  is  this  your  own  natural  body  after  all  T 

Mand.  It  is,  upon  my  soul  ! 

Aurel.  Well,  who  would  have  thought  you  could  have  come  to  life 
again,  after  having  had  three  hullc/s  through  your  head. 

Ma7id.  Madam,  the  story  of  my  death  was  all  a  trick  invented  to  put 
your  affection  for  me  to  the  proof. 

Aurel.  And  I'm  sure  you  must  have  been  convinced  of  my  affection 
for  you.  for  I  grieved  most  bitterly 

Mand.  Yes,  ma'am,  till  the  captain  came  to  dry  your  tears. 

Aurcl.  I  could  not  help  his  coming,  and  I'll  send  him  away  if  you 
like. 

Mand.  Oh  no,  ma'am,  keep  him — now  you've  got  him. 

Aurel.  What,  you  wo'n't  have  me,  then  1 

Mand.  Have  you !  if  I  thought  my  love  could  so  far  get  the  better  of 
my  reason  I  would  not  live  another  hour. 

Aurcl.  Well  if  you  wo'n't,  you  wo'n't,  you  know  ;  but  it'.s  very  cruel 
of you. 

Mand.  Cruel  of  me  ! — no,  no  ;  and  to  show  how  much  affection  I 
have  still  remaining  for  you,  I  will  offer  my  hand  to  the  very  first  woman 
I  shall  meet. 

Aurel.  What,  and  will  you  marry  her  too  1 

Mand.  Yes,  I  swear  by  all  my  hopes  of  happiness,  I  will,  tho'  she 
should  prove  as  ugly  as  Satan,  and  as  old  as  sin. 

Aurel.  [asidc.'\  Then  it  will  be  very  odd,  if  I  can't  find  a  wife  for 
you. 

Ma7id.  And  now,  madam  I  have  nothing  more  to  say,  than  to  bid 
you  farewell  for  ever. 

Aurel.  Farewell,   [aside.]  But  not  for  ever,  tho'. 

[AuREi,i.\  enters  the  bed-chamber,  c. 

Mand.  So,  I  have  seen  her  then,  for  the  last  time  ;  and  I've  made  a 
silly  vow,  too. — But  no  matter,  now. 

Splash  comes  rtinning  oji,  with  a  bill  in  his  hand,  l.  h. 

Splaxh.  Oh,  sir  !  sir  !  I've  made  such  another  discovery  ! 

Mand.  Same  new  jjleaaurc,  I  suppose. 

Splash.  Why,  sir,  you  must  know,  I  began  to  sdspect  something  ; 
and  ever  .«ince  you  came  in,  I've  been  watching  at  the  door. — Just  now, 
fancying  I  belong'd  to  the  house,  a  man  put  this  bill  into  my  hand — 
read  it  sir, — read  it  ! 

Mand.  [readinn.]   "  Mrs.  Aurelia  Fairlove,  to  Henry  Cross-stitch." 

Spla.ih.  Go  on,  sir. 

Mand.  "  A  military  hat  and  feather." 

Spla.ih.  Go  on,  sir. 

Mand.  "  Item,  a  pair  of  boots  and  spurs," — Very  odd  for  a  lady. 

Splash.  Go  on,  sir. 

Mand.  "  Item,  a  military  coat."     Stranger  still  ! 

Splash.  But,  go  on,  sir. 


24  THE    YOUNG    WIDOW. 

Mand.  "  A  pair  of  trowsers."'     What  is  the  meaning  of  all  this  1 

Splash.  Why,  sir,  the  meaning  is,  what  we  ought  to  have  found  out 
some  hours  ago,  if  we  hadn't  been  a  couple  of  prcciouts  ninnies — saving 
your  presence,  sir  ; — but  the  plain  meaning  of  it  is,  that  the  Widow  has 
been  playing  the  captain  herself  the  whole  time,  on  purpose  to  make 
fools  of  us. 

Jfa7id.  ConvicUon  strikes  upon  me.  Don't  say  another  word,  Splash, 
but  take  me  to  Bedlam  at  once. 

Splash.  Yes,  sir,  and  put  you  among  the  incurables  ; — but,  what's 
the  matter  now  ^ 

Mand.  Oh,  Splash,  I'm  the  most  miserable  man  that  ever  breathed  ! 

Splash.    Why,  what  have  you  been  doing,  sir  ! 

Mand.  Listen,  Splash  :  in  a  tit  of  jealousy  and  revenge,  I've  made  a 
solemn  vow,  to  wed  the  first  woman  I  shall  meet. 

Spla-'sk.  Then,  sir,  upon  my  soul,  I  give  you  up.  But,  no — I  have  it, 
sir  ;  contrive  that  the  widow  shall  be  the  first  woman  you  meet,  and 
your  vow  maj'  be  kept  without  injuring  your  happiness. 

Mand.  Right — right,  Splash. 

Aurcl.  \withuut.^  There,  that  will  do,  Luc}'. 

Mand.  And,  fortunately,  here  she  comes.  This  moment  decides  my 
fate. 

Splash.  Yes,  sir,  and  mine,  too. 

Splash.]    Itis-itis- 

The  chamber-door  opens,  and  Aurelia  appears  in  a  hood  and  cloak, 
as  an  old  woman,  c. 

?f  "^,    \    The  Devil ! 
Splash.  S 

Mand.   Worse,  a  great  deal.     Why  it's  old  Dorothj',  the  nurse. 

Splash.  Then  old  Dorothy  be  hanged. 

Mand.  If  she's  a  maid,  or  a  widow,  my  future  bride,  by  ail  that's 
abominable  ! 

Splash.  Yes.  sir,  you're  in  for  it. 

Mand.  But  I  may  as  well  come  to  the  point  at  once,  and  so  here 
goes,   [to  Aurelia.]  Are  you  a  maid,  wife,  or  a  widow  "' 

Anrel.   [in  a  disguised  voice.^  In  truth,  I  am  a  widow,  sir. 

Mand.  [imitalinrf  her.']  Ah,  I  thought  so — I'm  a  happy  man  :  but  I 
need  not  lose  any  time  in  courtship. 

Splash.  No,  sir  ;  she  has  very  little  to  spare,  I'll  answer  for  it. 

Mand.  ^^'ill  you  have  me  for  a  husband,  you  old  hag  ! 

Aurcl.  Yes,  if  you'll  use  me  kindly  :  I   know  the  duty  of  a  husband. 

Mand.  The  devil  doubt  you. 

Splash.   Yes,  of  half-a-dozen,  I  should  think. 

A^ircl.  And,  though  I  appear  so  old,  I  may  have  some  hidden  charms. 

Mand.  Your  hidden  charms  must  be  delectable. 

Splash.  Yes,  sir, — don't  you  long  to  revel  in  'em  1 

Mand.  Oh,  Splash,  support  me,  this  horrible  old  womt<n  has  com- 
pleted every  thing. 

Splash.  But  it's  no  use  taking  it  to  heart  now,  sir — you  may  as  well 
take  her  home,  and  love  and  cherish  her. 


THE    YOUNG    WIDOW.  25 

Hand.  Hold  your  tongue,  you  scoundrel,  or  I'll  make  you  marry  her. 

Splash.  No,  sir,  I  thank  you,  not  while  there's  a  halter  in  the  world. 

Aurel.  Mr.  Mandeville — Mr.  Mandeville  ! 

Splash.  There,  sir,  your  wife's  calling  you.     Throw  your  arms  round 
her  neck. 

Mand.  Silence,  puppy  !    I'll  throw  her  into  the  fish  pond,  and  myself 
after  her. 

Aurel.  Why,  you're  not  half  so  loving  as  my  first  husband  was. 

Mand.    Loving,  eh  1     Why,  you  sister  of  Satan — you  antidote  to 
love — you  bride  for  Belzebub  !  I  havn't  seen  you  yet ;  but  let  me  look 
at  your  vinegar  face,  that  I  may  know  the  summit  of  my  bliss. 
Mandeville  pulls  off  the  hood  and  discovers  Aurelia. 
Aureiia  !  then  I  see  it  all. 

Splash.  Yes,  sir, — shall  I  take  you  to  Bedlam,  now  ! 

Mand.  I  have  been  outwitted,  indeed. 

Splash.  Yes,  sir  ; — you  may  deceive  a  maid,  perhaps  a  wife  ;  but,  in 
future,  take  care  how  you  tackle  with  a  widow. 

Mand.  I  feel  the  justice  of  it,  and  I  bless  you  for  the  lesson  you  hare 
given  me. 

Aurel.  [to  Splash.]  Have  you  no  one  to  give  you  a  lesson,  too ! 

Splash.  Oh.  no  ;  the  lessons  I  receive  are  too  valuable  to  be  given 
away.     I  paid  a  guinea  for  the  first  this  morning. 

Lucy.  Never  mind,  Splash*,  you  shall  have  them  cheaper  for  the 
future. 

Splash.  Oh,  bless  you. 

Aurel.  Then  our  happiness  is  complete,  if  the  friends  around  us  will 
but  grant  their  forgiveness  to  the  thoughtless  follies  of  th« 

YOUNG  WIDOW. 


MOEE  BLUNDERS  THAN  ONE. 

IN     ONE     ACT. 
BT 

THOMAS    a   RODWELL,  ESQ. 


ORIGINAL    CASTS,  COSTUMES,   AND    THE    WHOLE    OF   THE    SIA.QB 

BUSINESS,  CORRECTLY  MARKED   AND   ARRANGED,  BY 

MB.  J.  B.  WRIGHT,  ASSISTANT  MANAGER 

Of  THE  BOSTON  THEATRE. 


*•»' 


NEW   YORK: 
tSAMUEL     FRENCH,    P  U  B  L  I  S  H  E  Rj 

12?,    «vS«^r    StKEKT.    (Ph   Sji.JRS.) 


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(2) 


MORE  BLUNDERS  THAN  ONE. 


ACT  I. 

Scene  I.  —  Rajidsome  Chamber,  3  G.      Toilet  table  and  glass  on  L.  H. ; 

table,  covered,  o?»  K.  ir.,  oti  it  writing  desk,  pens,  ink  and  paper,  wajers, 

portfolio  of  paper,  in  it  blank  letter  sealed ;  xadighted  candle  on  table  ; 

two  chairs  on  k.  h.  :  two  chairs  on  l,  h. 
no  ?^  ' 

IStrsAN  discovered,  admiring  herself  in  a  looking  glass,  l.  h. 

Sus.  There,  considering  how  little  time  I've  taken,  (for  I  haven't 
yet  been  above  two  hours  and  a  quarter  at  the  glass,)  I  don't  think  I 
look  so  much  amiss.  It's  a  pity  I  haven't  got  a  little  more  time  to 
give  each  of  my  ringlets  the  true  irresistible  turn ;  but  I'm  in  momen- 
tary expectation  of  the  arrival  of  Mr.  Larry  Hoolagan,  valet  de  cham- 
bre  to  my  mistress's  intended,  and  if  fate  should  only  srmle  on  our 
little  innocent  desires,  my  future  spouse.  O,  he's  a  charming  fellow  ! 
he  possesses  such  amiable  sensibility,  such  an  insinuating  address,  such 
an  elegant  brogue,  and  such  a  handsome  leg  !  O,  I  am  delighted  with 
him  !  —  and,  then,  how  romantic  it  wUl  sound  to  be  called  Mrs.  Hool- 
agan. I  declare,  it's  a  sweet  name.  (Larky  heard  singing  without, 
X.  H.  1  E.)  Ah,  he  comes  !  I  hear  his  beautiful  voice  echoing  up  the 
staircase,  like  the  warbling  sonnet  of  the  dying  swan. 

Larry  enters,  l.  h.  1  e. 

Lar.     (l.  h.)     Who's  like  a  swan,  my  darling  ? 

Sus.     (r.  h.)     You,  Mr.  Hoolagan. 

Lar.  I  like  a  swan?  O,  don't  be  after  making  a  goose  of  me,  my 
duck. 

Stis.    No  matter  what  you  are,  so  as  your  heart  is  in  the  right  place. 

Lar.  Nobody  ought  to  know  better  than  yourself  whether  it's  in 
the  right  place  or  not ;  for  it  has  been  in  your  possession  this  many  a 
long  day. 

Sus.  So  it  has,  Larrj' ;  but  you'll  confess  I  came  honestly  by  it, 
though. 

Lar.  To  be  sure  you  did,  my  darling  ;  for  you  stole  it  at  least  a 
twelvemonth  ago,  as  honestly  as  woman  could  do. 

(3) 


4  MORE   BLUNDERS   THAN   ONE. 

Sus.  But  tell  me,  Mr.  Hoolagan,  haven't  you  got  a  letter  for  my 
inistress  this  morning  ? 

Lar.  Och,  to  be  sure  I  have !  and  one  for  your  own  sweet  self,  too, 
that  I  mean  to  deUver  by  word  of  mouth. 

Sits.     And  what  is  it,  pray  ? 

Lar.  It's  just  this,  my  dear  :  that  as  our  master  and  mistress  are 
going  to  be  married,  I  think  we  can't  do  a  worse  thing  than  follow  a 
good  example. 

Stis.  But  are  you  sure  they'll  be  married,  though  ?  You  know 
they've  been  on  the  point  of  marriage  three  several  times  before  —  last 
time  they  were  even  on  the  road  to  chiuch. 

Lar.  Yes,  and  then  quarrelled  and  turned  back,  because  they 
couldn't  agree  about  which  way  the  wind  blew. 

Sus.     Very  true,  indeed. 

Lar.  Fait !  they  say  it's  an  ill  wind  that  blows  nobody  good ;  by 
the  powers,  I  think  it's  a  good  wind  that  blows  nobody  any  harm ;  for 
if  that  confounded  wind  hadn't  kicked  up  such  a  dust,  I'd  have  had 
as  nate  a  hundred-pound  note  in  my  pocket  as  ever  was  coined  ! 

Sus.     Yes,  and  I  should  have  had  another. 

Lar,  True  —  that  your  mistress  and  my  master  are  to  give  us  on 
the  day  of  their  wedding. 

Sus.  Well,  all  that  we've  got  to  do  is,  to  mind  that  nothing  oc- 
curs to  produce  a  quarrel  again. 

Lar.     Leave  me  alone  for  that. 

Siis.  By  the  by,  Larry,  I  wonder  what  that  letter  contains  you've 
brought  for  my  mistress  ? 

Lar.  Fait !  so  do  I ;  and  I  wondered  all  the  way  as  J  came  along. 
1  peeped  into  it,  and  roimd  it,  and  through  it  a  dozen  times  ;  but  as  I 
can't  read  a  single  word,  I'm  not  much  the  wiser  for  what  I  saw. 

Sus.    Not  read,  Larry  ? 

Lar.  No,  my  darling ;  they  didn't  teach  reading  at  the  Echool  I 
went  to. 

S^ls.  But  still  I  should  like  to  be  certain  that  that  letter  "will  do  no 
mischief. 

Lar.    It's  mighty  easy  to  be  certain  of  that,  my  dear. 

Sus.     How,  Larry,  how  ? 

Lar.     Why,  never  to  dehver  it,  my  darling. 

Siis.    Ah,  but  suppose  we  should  be  found  out,  though. 

Lar.  Found  out !  Boder  !  Who'd  be  after  finding  us  out  ?  I 
warrant  the  letter'll  never  speak  if  nobody  opens  its  mouth,  and  I'll 
take  care  of  that.  (^Showi?iff  the  letter.)  Besides,  only  perceive,  it 
looks  mischievous ;  only  see  what  a  pale  face  it  has.  I'd  be  upon  my 
davy  it's  full  of  diabolicals,  only  by  the  seal. 

Sus.  Well,  really,  I  think  it  would  be  the  safest  way  not  to  deliver  it. 

Lar.  To  be  sure  it  would.  No,  no,  I'll  put  it  in  my  pocket,  and 
forget  that  I  ever  saw  it. 

Sus.     Hush,  Larry,  hush,  here  comes  mistress  ;  now  mind. 

;;  iii-A  ia  Enter  Louisa.,  b.  h.  1  e. 

Lent.  (R.  H.)  Melbourne's  servant  hef e  !  —  Tell  me,  what  news 
of  your  master  ?    Have  you  no  letter  for  me  ? 


MORE  BlTmDERS  THAN  ONE.  5' 

f« 

Lar.     (L.  H.,  aside  to  Susan.)    Now,  what  will  I  be  after  saying  ? 

Sus.     (c,  aside.')     How  should  I  know  ? 

Lou.     Quick,  quick,  he  must  have  written  to  me. 

Lar.  {Asid-e.')  It  goes  against  my  conscience  {crosses  to  c.)  to  tell 
a  lie  ;  but,  by  de  honor  of  an  Irishman,  I  must  out  with  a  plump  un. 

Lou.     (r.  h.)     Come,  sir,  answer  me  this  instant. 

Lar.  (c.)  A  letter  for  you,  ma'am?  O,  the  devil  a  bit  o'  one. 
Is  there,  Susan  ? 

S'i(s.     (l.  h.,  aside.')     Hush  ! 

Lou.     I'm  sure  he  must  have  written. 

Lar.  He  may,  or  he  may  not,  I  can  hardly  say ;  but  I  reckon 
you'll  get  no  letter  from  him  this  post.     Do  you,  Susan,  my  dear  ? 

Sus.     There  seems  little  probability  of  it,  at  present. 

Lou.  Surely  you  must  have  put  the  letter  in  your  pocket,  and  for- 
gotten it. 

Lar.  {Aside.)  O,  by  my  soul,  she's  a  •witch  ;  she  knoWs  I'm  de- 
termined to  forget  it. 

Lou.  Well,  'tis  very  strange  ;  but  I'll  just  write  a  line  to  him,  and 
know  the  reason  of  it.     {Seats  herself  at  the  desk,  R.  h.) 

Sus.  {Aside  to  Larry.)  There  now,  my  mistress  will  -wTite  to 
know  why  she  hasn't  had  a  letter,  and  then  good  by  to  my  hundred 
pounds. 

Lar.  {Aside  to  Sttsan.)  Ditto  to  mine,  my  dear ;  but  don't  be 
alarmed.  I'll  give  her  a  word  of  ad\'ice,  and  if  she  don't  take  my 
advice,  confound  me,  if  I  take  her  letter. 

Sus.     {Aside.)     Mind  what  you  say. 

Lar.    Hush  !  —  Ma'am !  ma'am ! 

Lou.     {  With  surprise.)     "Well,  sir  ? 

Lar.  Excuse  me  for  dictating  a  word  or  two  ;  but  though  my 
master's  a  most  charming  gentleman,  as  your  ladyship  knows,  yet  he's 
apt  to  be  a  little  cantancarous,  now  and  then ;  and,  therefore,  I'm 
thinking  that,  perhaps,  it  might  be  as  well  not  to  say  any  thing  about 
your  not  having  received  a  letter  from  him  this  morning,  for  I'm  con- 
fident it  isn't  his  fault. 

Sus.     O,  and  so  am  I,  ma'am. 

Lou.     O,  don't  be  alarmed :  I  shall  not  say  too  much. 

Lar.  And  even  if  your  ladyship  thought  proper  just  to  say,  in  a 
eort  of  a  left-handed  way,  that  you  thank  him  for  his  kind  note,  I've 
no  doubt  he'd  feel  the  reproof.  \  ^    .  ; 

Sus.     {Aside.)     I  have.  ^-^  ^ ^    .  '1' 

Lou.  I  thank  you  for  your  suggestion ;  but  the  letter  ts  hotv* 
finished.  There,  {giving  it  to  Larry,)  it  is  a  little  severe ;  but  not 
half  so  bad  as  he  deserves.     Mind  it  isn't  lost. 

Lar.     O,  leave  me  alone  for  keeping  a  letter  safe  —  eh,  Susan  ? 

Sus.     {Aside.)     Hush ! 

Lou.     Susan,  follow  me  to  my  chamber.  {Exit,  R.  n.  1  e.) 

Sus.     Yes,  ma'am.     {Crosses,  r.) 

Lar.  O,  if  the  hundred  pounds  ain't  in  my  pocket  now,  it  never 
shall  be.  By  my  soul,  I  was  bom  for  a  prime  minister  of  the  post 
office. 

Sta.    But  shall  you  deliver  my  mistress'  letter  ?  i         ' 

1* 


€  MORE    BLUNDERS   THAN   ONE. 

Lar.     O,  to  be  sure  I  shall ;  after  what  I  said,  where's  the  danger  ? 

Sus.  But,  I  say,  Larry,  as  you're  above  being  able  to  read,  mind 
you  don't  make  a  blunder,  and  deliver  the  ■\\Tong  letter. 

Lar.  O,  do  you  think  I'm  a  fool  ?  Ko,  no  :  see,  my  darling,  if  1 
put  my  master's  letter  into  the  right  hand  pocket,  and  my  mistress's 
into  the  left,  the  devil  a  bit  of  blunder  can  I  make  then. 

Sus.  Then,  now  I  must  go  and  perfume  my  mistress's  handker- 
chief, and  I  believe  I  must  put  a  little  lip-salye  on  my  OAvn  lips  too. 

Lar.  Pooh,  nonsense,  my  dear,  the  very  best  Up-salve  a  woman 
can  have  is  a  kiss  from  the  man  that  adores  her.  (Kisses  her.} 
There,  my  dear ;  if  they  ain't  better  now,  we'll  lay  it  on  a  little 
thicker  by  and  by. 

Stcs.     O,  what  a  pharming  fellow  !  (^Exetmt,  R.  h.  1  e.) 

Scene  II.  —  Room  in  Young  Melbourne's  Apartment,  1  o.     i).  p. 
L.  H.,  practical ;  D.  F.  R.  n.,  practical. 

YouNQ  Melbourne  enters,  reading  a  letter,  D.  F.  r.  h. 

Y.  Mel.  Now  I  am  alone,  let  me  again  read  my  uncle's  letter. 
(Reads.)  "  My  dear  boy  —  by  the  time  you  receive  this  letter,  I  shall 
once  more  breathe  my  native  air.  My  very  soul  seems  bounding  at 
the  idea  of  again  beholding  you  :  twenty  years'  residence  in  India  has 
made  me  look  forward  to  the  happy  moment  of  our  meeting  with  al- 
most a  childish  anxiety  ;  for,  from  the  high  account  I  have  heard  of 
your  goodness  of  heart,  I  am  confident  I  shall  meet  a  most  affection- 
ate welcome. — "  You  shall,  indeed.  Thus  my  happiness  will  be 
complete.  My  uncle  arrives  —  pays  all  my  debts  —  I  wed  Louisa, 
and  nought  but  sunshine  crowTis  the  remainder  of  our  days.  (Larbtc 
heard  without,  L.  H.  1  E.)  But  here  comes  Larry  ;  now,  then,  for 
Louisa's  reply. 

Enter  Larry,  l.  h.  1  e. 

Well,  Larry,  have  you  got  any  letter  for  me  ? 

Lar.  (L.  H.)  O,  to  be  sure  I  have,  and  a  beautiful  one  it  is  — 
(aside)  —  if  she  only  put  in  what  I  told  her. 

Y.  Mel,  (r.  h.)  Give  it  me,  then,  and  run  this  instant  and  pre- 
pare my  things  for  dressing.     I  musn't  receive  my  uncle  in  dishabille. 

Lar.  To  be  sure  I  will.  —  (Aside.)  Now  let  me  be  after  taking 
care  I  don't  make  a  bit  of  a  blunder  here.  (Considering^  O,  here's 
a  slip  of  the  tongue,  if  I  haven't  clean  forgot  which  pocket  I  put 
it  in. 

Y.  Mel.     Come,  sir,  the  letter. 

Lar.  Yes,  sir,  directly.  —  (Aside.)  It  was  the  left  —  no,  the  left's 
not  right;  no,  it  was  the  right — no,  by  the  powers!  the  right's 
wTong.  It's  a  pity  I  hadn't  been  bom  a  great  big  two-penny-post-* 
man,  and  then  I'd  have  known  which  letter  to  have  delivered. 

Y.  Mel.     Come,  sir. 

Lar.  Directly,  sir. —  (Aside.)  O,  let  me  look  at  'em,  and  then, 
perhaps,  I'll  be  after  knowing  which  is  the  masculine,  and  which  ia 


MOEE   ELUNDEES   THAN   OXE.  7 

the  feminine.  ( Talcing  both  letters  out  of  his  pocket,  and  anxiously 
looking  at  them.)  O,  confound  it !  they're  exactly  like  me  and  my 
elder  brother,  a  couple  of  twin  blackgijards  —  there's  no  telling  one 
from  t'other. 

Y.  Mel.     "What  is  the  meaning  of  this  hesitation  ? 

Lar.  Hesitation,  do  you  call  it  ?  —  (^Aside.')  I  think  it's  bodera- 
tion.  I  wish  my  master  couldn't  read,  and  then  I'd  give  him  a  choice 
of  'em.  But,  however,  he  must  have  one,  and  so  here  goes.  (Larry 
givps  letter.) 

Y.Mel.     (^Without  looking  at  the  letter.)     That's  right. 

Lar.  {Aside.)  O,  that's  beautiful !  I  thought  I  couldn't  make 
a  blimder  if  I  tried. 

Y.  Mel.  {Looki7ig  at  the  letter  with  astonishment.)  Death  and  the 
devil !  if  Lomsa  hasn't  returned  my  letter  unopened  !  Tell  me,  Larry, 
did  Louisa  say  any  thing  when  she  gave  you  the  letter  ? 

Lar.     Fait !  I  hardly  remember. 

Y.  Mel.     Come,  come,  sir,  tell  me  this  instant. 

Lar.     You're  not  angry  with  her,  are  you,  sir  ? 

Y.  Mel.  {Aside.)  At  least  I'll  not  confess  I  am.  No,  no;  rather 
pleased  than  otherwise.  —  {Aside.)     Confusion  ! 

Lai:  {Aside.)  It's  all  right,  I  see  ;  I'd  better  tell  him  no  lie  at 
all,  but  the  naked  truth. 

Y.  Mel.  Come,  come,  sir,  this  instant,  for  I  see  there's  something 
—  what  did  she  say  ? 

Lar.  Fait !  all  she  said,  sir,  was  — you  know  merely  in  a  jocular 
sort  of  a  way. 

Y.  Mel.     Well,  what  ? 

Lar.  Why,  sir,  said  she,  Larry  dear,  it's  a  little  severe,  but  not 
half  so  bad  as  your  master  deserves.  It  was  all  a  joke,  though,  you 
know. 

Y.  Mel.  Yes,  a  pretty  sort  of  a  joke  !  but  I'll  let  her  know  I'm  not 
the  fond,  contemptible  fool  she  takes  me  for. 

Lar.     Here' 11  be  a  crash  in  the  china  closet ! 

I'.  Mel.  Yes,  yes  ;  I'll  to  my  chamber  this  instant,  and  I'll  write 
her  a  letter  that  shall  make  her  heart  ache,  if  she  have  one.  I  shall 
trust  to  your  ingenuity,  Larry,  to  sec  that  she  reads  it. 

Lar.  Leave  that  to  me,  sir ;  depend  on  it  she  shall  read  it,  as  cer- 
tainly as  she  did  the  one  I  tooked  her  this  morning. 

Y.  Mel.  None  of  your  impertinence,  sir.  —  {Aside.)  Thus  I  am 
made  the  laughing  stock  of  my  own  servant ;  but  I'll  be  revenged. 
{Going,  R.  H.) 

Lar.  But,  I  say,  sir,  suppose  the  nabob,  our  uncle,  should  arrive 
when  you're  up  stairs,  what  am  I  to  do  with  him  ? 

Y.  Mel.  Right.  Let  not  my  passion  make  me  forget  my  duty  to 
the  best  of  men.  Treat  him  with  every  politeness,  usher  him  into  the 
drawing  room,  and  the  moment  I  have  done  writing,  I  will  descend  ; 
mind,  now,  treat  him  with  every  respect. 

Lar.  O,  don't  be  afraid  of  Larry  Hoolagan.  I'll  make  him  as 
welcome  as  a  whiskey  bottle. 

Y.  Mel.     But  not  too  much  familiarity,  sir. 

Lar.    P,  the  devil  a  bit,  sir.     Do  you  think  I  don't  know  how  to 


8  MORE   BLITXDEES   THAX   OXE. 

do  the  genteel  thing  ?    But,  I  say,  sir  —  suppose  our  other  friend 

should  come  again,  -what  am  I  to  do  Tvith  him  ? 

Y.  Mel.     Our  other  friend  ?  —  O  !     I  suppose  you  mean  the  bailiff. 

Lar.  Fait !  I  do,  sir  ;  but  baUifFs  an  ugly  word  to  mention  in  gen- 
teel company. 

Y.  Mel:  AMiy,  kick  him  do-wn  stairs  —  throw  him  out  of  window 
—  in  fact,  do  any  thing  you  like  with  him,  so  that  you  don't  let  him 
come  near  me.  (^Exit,  door  R.  f.) 

Lar.  By  my  mother's  beautiful  son,  and  that's  my  elegant  self, 
then  I'll  give  it  him,  if  I  only  catch  his  ugly  nose  on  this  side  of  the 
street  door.  There's  something  in  all  my  master  says  I  don't  exactly 
imderstand  —  he's  going  to  vrriXe  sometliing  desperate  to  his  mistress, 
too.  "Well,  I'm  the  postman,  and  it  will  be  my  fault  if  it  ever  comes 
to  hand.  {Exit  Larry,  r.  a.  1  e.) 

Enter  Trap,  disguised  as  Old  Melbourne,  l.  h.  1  e.) 

Trap.  I've  gammoned  'em  so  far,  however.  How  lucky  I  hap- 
pened to  hear  of  the  expected  arrival  of  Old  Melbourne  from  India. 
Trap,  of  the  Station  House,  is  too  well  known  ever  to  succeed  under 
his  own  colors.  TTie  game  I  have  in  view  is  a  terrible  shy  cock  ;  but 
in  this  disguise  of  his  uncle  I  think  I  shall  bring  him  down.  If  I  only 
once  get  a  fair  aim  at  him,  he's  bagged  to  a  certainty.  (Larry  sings 
without,  E.  H.)  Ah  !  some  one's  here  ;  then  I  must  come  the  impor- 
tant. 

E}iter  Larry,  r.  h.  1  e. 

Lar.  {Examining  Trap.)  O,  by  my  soul,  it's  him  !  That  beauti- 
ful copper-colored  face  of  his  speaks  volumes,  ■without  ever  opening 
its  mouth. 

Trap.  {Aside.)  "What's  the  booby  staring  at?  1  hope  he  don't 
suspect  me. 

Lar.     {  Very  obsequiously.")     My  duty  to  your  honor. 

Trap.     Ay ;  tell  me,  is  !\Ir.  Melbourne  in  the  Way  ? 

Lar.  Och,  to  be  sure  he's  not,  at  this  present  writing.  But  why 
do  you  say  Mr.  Melbourne  ?  "Why  don't  you  speak  of  him  in  a  true 
fatherly  way,  and  call  him  your  nevey  ? 

Trap.  {Aside.)  O,  it's  all  right.  —  Eh  !  what !  yoU  know  me,  do 
you  r 

Lar.    Ha,  tobe  sui-e  1  do  !     I'm  up  to  trap,  my  darling. 

Trap.     The  desil  you  are  ! 

Lar.  To  be  sure  I  am ;  and  I  hope  it  won't  be  long  before  I  have 
the  pleasure  of  drinking  your  good-looking  health  in  that  bieautiful 
half  crown  that  you've  just  made  up  yoiu  mind  about  giving  me. 

Trap.  No,  never  mind  that  now.  —  {Aside.)  That  would  be  sup- 
porting the  character  rather  too  naturally.  But  tell  me,  is  my  nephew 
in  the  way  :  —  I  long  to  come  near  him. 

Lar.  I'll  be  bound  you  do ;  but  you  see  the  fact  is,  he  can't  ex- 
actly be  said  to  be  at  home  just  now,  for  this  reason,  because  you  see 
he's  out ;  but  if  your  noble  mightiness  would  have  the  condescension 
just  to  step  into  the  drawing  room  for  a  few  moments 


UORE   BLUNDERS    THAN   ONE.  9 

Trap,  O,  with  the  greatest  pleasure. — {Aside.)  I  shall  nibble 
him. 

Lar.  This  way,  your  honor,  this  way.  I  hope  you'll  do  something 
handsome  for  him  now. 

Trap.  Bepend  on  it,  when  once  I  behold  him,  he  shall  never  go 
out  of  my  sight  again  till  I've  provided  for  him.  (  Ushers  Tkap  into 
the  drawing  room,  D.  L.  F.) 

Lar.  O,  what  a  beautiful,  kind-hearted  creature  it  is  !  I  see  we 
shall  be  all  cheek  by  jowl  in  no  time,  like  a  row  of  sheep's  heads  on  a 
butcher's  block.  I  think  my  master  will  have  no  cause  to  grumble  at 
this  day's  work.  But  I'd  better  just  run  and  tell  him  that  he's  ar- 
rived, in  order  that  he  may  prepare  himself  for  the  interesting  inter- 
view. {Exit,  K.  H.  1  E.)  ;:. 

Enter  Old  Melbourne,  l.  h.  1  e. 

O.  Mel.  "Well,  here  I  am  once  more  in  my  native  land,  and  under 
the  verj'  roof,  too,  veith  the  only  relation  I  have  in  the  world.  What 
a  delightful  meeting  it  will  be !  —  I  could  hardly  help  kissing  the 
maid  who  let  me  in,  out  of  pure  joy.     (Larry  heard  loiihout,  I  e. 

R.  H.) 

O.  Mel.  Ah,  that  is  his  servant,  I  suppose ;  some  warm-hearted 
Irishman  that  he  has  left  here  to  welcome  me.  I  shall  hug  the  rascal 
if  the  master  don't  come  directly. 

Enter  Larry,  r.  h.  1  e.,  who  looks  at  him  with  astonishment. 

How  surprised  he  seems  !  —  I'll  see  if  he'll  discover  who  I  am. 

Lar.  (^Aside.)  Is  it  himself,  or  somebody  else  ?  By  my  soul,  that 
chap's  qmte  another  person.  Yes,  it's  another  copper- colored  gentle- 
man.    I  never  knowed  we  had  a  couple  of  nabobs  for  imcles  before. 

O.  Mel.     How  astonished  he  seems  ! 

Lar.  (^Aside.)  O,  Larry,  mind  what  you're  about.  I'm  after 
smelling  a  rat,  and  that's  the  truth  of  it.  I'll  be  upon  my  davy  this 
is  our  friend  the  bum-bailiff  himself,  under  false  appearances.  But 
I'll  go  straight  forward  to  ■work,  and  cross-examine  him  at  once, 
Good  morning,  sir  ;  I've  been  watching  some  time  for  you,  sir. 

O.  Mel.     O,  what,  you've  found  me  out,  have  you  ? 

Lar.  O,  to  be  sure  I  have,  with  half  an  eye.  Did  you  think  to 
bamboozle  me  ?  By  my  faith,  your  head  must  be  mighty  thick  for  you 
to  suppose  I  couldn't  see  through  it. 

O.  Mel.  (^Aside.)  He's  cursed  complimentary.  Do  you  know 
who  I  am  ? 

JUir.  O,  to  be  sure  I  do,  in  spite  of  your  copper-colored  nose  that 
you've  been  rubbing  over  with  brick  dust. 

O.  Mel.  I  rubbing  my  nose  wth  brick  dust !  Why,  you  scoun- 
drel !  what  is  the  meaning  of  all  this  ?  I  tell  you  you're  de- 
ceived, sir. 

Lar.  No,  sir,  I  am  not  deceived,  though  you've  tried  it  on  pretty 
neatly.  But  there's  Station  House  written  as  plainly  upon  your  ugly 
forehead  as  it  is  upon  the  comer  house,  and  luckily  you've  come  a 


It)  MORE   BLUNDERS   THAN   ONB. 

a  little  too  late ;  and  there's  only  one  thing  I  should  like,  now,  be- 
fore you  go.  ,       I 

O.  Mel.     And  pray  "what's  that  ? 

Lar.  To  knock  your  ugly  old  jaws  about ;  and  if  you  ain't  off 
with  a  hop,  skip,  and  a  jump,  by  the  powers  I'll  be  after  doing  it,  too. 

O.  Mel.  You  •will,  will  you  ?  Tell  me,  sir,  did  your  master  order 
you  to  treat  me  so  ? 

Lar.     No,  to  be  sure  he  didn't. 

O.  Mel.     No,  certainly  not. 

Lar.  No,  he  merely  tailed  me  to  kick  you  down  stairs,  or  throw 
you  out  of  window. 

O.  Mel.  O,  he  did,  did  he  ?  I'll  disinherit  the  rascal !  But,  tell 
me,  sir,  what  reason  have  you  or  my  nephew  for  treating  me  thus  ? 

Lar.  My  reasons  are  at  my  fingers'  ends  ;  and  if  you  ain't  out  of 
the  house  in  a  pig's  whisper,  by  the  powers  you  shall  have  a  belly  full 
of  'em. 

O.  Mel.     I'll  cut  the  ungrateful  monster  off  with  a  shiUing. 

Lar.  I'll  cut  you  off  the  face  of  the  earth  like  a  leprechaun,  if 
you're  not  off  in  a  whistle.     (^Putting  himself  in  a  boxing  attitude.) 

O.  Mel.     Out,  you  scoundrel !  {Exit,  L.  h.  1  e.) 

Lar.  If  he  had  staid  in  the  room  another  five  minutes,  in  less  than 
half  that  time  he  should  have  found  himself  out  of  the  window  in  the 
middle  of  the  street. 

Enter  YouKG  Melbourne,  d.  e.  r. 

Y.  Mel,  "Well,  I  have  finished  my  letter,  and,  knowing  I  should 
require  your  services  here,  Larry,  I  have  sent  it  by  the  maid. 

Lar.  Sent  it  by  the  maid,  have  you  ?  O,  blood  and  ouns  !  then 
here'll  be  a  pretty  blow  up,  as  the  spark  said  to  the  powder-mill ; 
however,  I  must  get  the  uncle  to  intercede  for  me. 

Y.  Mel.     So  the  old  boy's  arrived,  is  he  ? 

Lar.     To  be  sure  he  is. 

Y.  Mel.  He  did  not  seem  offended  that  I  was  not  here  to  receive 
him,  did  he  ? 

Lar,  No,  sir ;  he  seemed  mighty  well  pleased  with  your  humble 
ser\'ant.     I  was  quite  condescending  with  him. 

r.  Mel.  But  before  I  introduce  myself,  just  let  me  take  a  peep,  and 
see  what  sort  of  a  looking  old  boy  it  is. 

Lar.  O,  you'll  find  him  a  mighty  fatherly-looking  sort  of  a  per- 
sonage.    (Young  Melbourne  pee^*  iArow^A  the  key  hole,  d.  l.  r.) 

Y.  Mel.  Horror  and  confusion  !  Why,' that's  Trap,  the  bailiff  of 
the  Station  House.     What  the  devil  have  you  been  about  r 

Lar,  Trap,  of  the  Station  House  ?  O,  the  counterfeit  blackguard  ! 
{^Recollecting  himself.)  Fait,  then,  if  I  haven't  kicked  the  real  imcle 
out  of  doors.  But,  by  the  powers,  I'd  better  keep  that  to  myself,  or 
my  master' 11  kick  me  after  him. 

Y.  Mel.     What  the  deuse  is  to  be  done  ?  , 

Lar.  Done,  sir  !  —  there's  nothing  to  be  done  but  to  bolt  for  it. 
(Y.  Mel.  runs  off,  d.  f.  r.  h.  Trap  seen  looking  out  at  the  drawing 
room  door,  L.  r.)     I've  a  great  mind  to  fall  down  and  break  my  own 


MORE   BLUNDERS    THAN    ONE.  1. 

neck,  on  purpose  to  pitch  him  from  the  top  of  the  stairs  to  the  bottom 
(■Trap  atiem2}ts  to  come  out;  Larry  intercepts  him — trips  hint  up 
Tr.\.p  limps  off,  L.  H.  1  E.  ;  Larry  runs  off,  r.  h.  1  e.) 


Scene  III.  —  Chamber  in  3  g.,  (Louisa's.)  A  large  closet  with  fol& 
ing  doors  in  c,  backed  by  shelves  containing  bandboxes  ;  lady's  bonnA 
and  shawl ;  china  ^care,  bowls,  cups  and  saticers  ;  set  fireplace  on  r. 
H.  2  E.,  with  fire  screen,  practical,  backed  by  black  backing ;  D.  r.  L. 
"B.,,  practical,  backed  by  chamber ;  a  small  cabinet  on  R.  H.  3  E.,  prac- 
tical, <SfC.  ;  table  and  two  chairs  on  L.  c.  ;  two  chairs  on  R.  H. ;  a  ret- 
icule hanging  on  chair,  R.  H.,  containing  hatidsome  pocket  book,  min^ 
iature,  necklaces,  small  jewel  case,  itnitation  watch  and  chain. 

Enter  Letty,  l.  h.  1  e.,  with  a  green  quart  bottle  in  her  hand. 

Let.  Well,  here's  a  pretty  present !  I've  got  a  bottle  of  real  whi& 
key,  come  all  the  way  from  Tipperary.  How  strong  it  does  smell . 
The  only  difficulty  is,  I  don't  know  where  to  put  it ;  for  if  Susan's 
lover,  Larry  Hoolagan,  should  once  get  scent  of  it,  good  by  to  it.  Ah, 
how  I  do  hate  him  !  I  have  it.  —  I'll  conceal  it  in  my  mistress's  clos- 
et ;  no  one  will  think  of  looking  there ;  and  even  if  my  mistress 
should  discover  it,  I  can  tell  her  the  truth  at  last.  —  That's  an  excel- 
lent idea.  (Letty  opens  the  closet  in  c,  and  hides  the  bottle  behiiid  some 
of  the  articles.)  There,  now — there  it  will  be  safe,  at  all  events.  I 
may  go  and  finish  my  work  in  comfort.     How  delighted  I  am  ! 

(^Exit,  R.  H.  1  E.) 

?  Enter  Larry,  cautiously,  l.  h.  1  e. 

Lar.  So,  here  I  am  once  more,  under  the  same  roof  with  my  little 
darling.  I've  sneaked  in  to  wish  her  good  morning  this  afternoon. 
My  master  sent  me  somewhere  else  ;  but  I  preferred  coming  here,  be- 
cause it  was  more  agreeable. 

Enter  Susan,  r.  1  e. 

O,  there's  the  beauty  ! 

Sus.     What,  Larry  !  —  is  that  you  ? 

Lar.     If  I  know  myself,  take  my  word  for  it,  it's  nobody  else. 

Sus.     O,  Larry,  I  am  so  glad  to  see  you  ! 

Lar.     O,  to  be  sure  you  are  :  you  were  always  a  sensible  girl. 

Sus.  But  you  mustn't  stay  here  now,  Larry ;  for  if  my  mistress 
should  see  you  before  a  reconciliation  takes  place,  I  don't  know  what 
might  be  the  consequences. 

x>ar.  Then  I'm  off,  my  dear,  liko  an  ould  woman's  wig  in  a  liigh 
wind.  [Just  as  Larry  is  going  off,  L.  h.,  a  loud  double  knock  is  heard, 
jj.  H.  1  E.)  Fait !  that's  my  master's  knock,  I'll  be  upon  my  davy. 
Now,  what's  to  be  done  ?  If  he  catches  me  here,  he'll  smoke  the 
whole  contrivance. 

Sus.     Never  mind  ;  I'  U  let  you  out  this  way. 

Lou.     {Without,  R.  H.)     Susan  —  Susan,  see  to  the  door. 


12  MORE  BLTjkDEItS  THAN   OITE. 

Sris.  There  comes  my  mistress  ;  we  are  beset  on  both  sides.  Bui 
are  you  certain  it's  your  master  ? 

La?:  Certain,  my  dear.  If  I  were  the  door  and  my  nose  the 
knocker,  I  couldn't  be  more  certain. 

Sus.     Stop ! 

Lar.     Stop  !     I'd  much  rather  go  ! 

Sus.  Here,  this  is  the  only  chance  we  have.  Step  into  this  closet ; 
mind  you  don't  squeeze  any  of  the  bandboxes,  or  do  any  mischief, 
and  the  moment  your  master  goes,  I'll  let  you  oiit. 

Lar.  Och !  there's  a  clever  fellow.  Och !  what  a  man  your 
mother  must  have  been  !  {Knock,  r.  H.  1  e.  As  Larry  gets  mar  the 
closet  in  C,  he  sniff's  about  as  if  he  smelt  something.')  Och  !  what  a 
nosegay !  —  What  is  it,  my  darling  ? 

Sus.  I'm  sure  I  don't  know  —  some  of  my  mistress's  lavender,  or 
rose  water,  or  something  or  another. 

Lar.  Lavender  or  rose  water  ?  Fait !  I'd  like  to  find  out  your 
mistress's  perfumer.     It  smells  mighty  like  the  creature. 

Sus.     Never  mind  what  it  Smells  like,  but  get  in. 

Lar.  {Still  smelling.)  Och  !  the  purest  potteen  was  never  more 
odoriferous.  I  should  like  to  put  a  little  on  my  handkerchief. 
{Knock,  X.  H.  1  E.) 

Sus.     Get  in,  or  all  will  be  discovered. 

Lar.  There,  I'm  in,  my  darling.  Och  !  I  haven't  had  such  a 
nosegay  since  I  left  Ballyporeen.  Och  !  I'll  stay  here  forever. 
(Susan  shuts  him  in  the  closet,  c.) 

Sus.    There  —  if  he  only  rfemain  quiet,  all  will  be  safe. 

Enter  Louisa,  r.  h.  1  e. 

Lou.     What  can  this  knocking  mean  ?  —  Is  no  one  there  to  open  the 

i!et  door  ? 

Sus.    Yes,  tiia'am,  it  is  open,  and  some  one  is  coming  np  stairs. 

Lou.    And  by  all  my  fears,  'tis  Melbourne. 

Sus.    Well,  ma'am,  you  see  it's  too  late  to  avoid  him  now. 

Enter  Young  Melbourne,  l.  h.  1  e. 

Y.  Mel.  Madam,  your  most  obedient.  (Louisa  courtesies.)  Per- 
haps, madam,  after  what  has  occurred,  you  feel  somewhat  astonished  at 
my  visit. 

Lou.     Perhaps  I  may,  sir,  after  your  past  conduct. 

Y.  Mel.  I  believe  if  my  former  conduct  be  impartially  examined, 
madam,  I  shall  find  but  little  to  regret.     I  wrote  to  you  on  the  subject. 

Lon,  So,  sir,  after  having  insulted  me  with  a  letter,  you  would 
screen  your  conduct  with  a  falsehood. 

Y.Mel.  A  falsehood,  madam  !  but  you  are  a  lady.  {Considering.) 
I  am  confident  there  is  some  strange  and  unaccountable  mistake 
throughont  the  whole  affair,  so  I'll  at  least  make  one  effort  towards  a 
reconciliation. 

Lou.     {Aside.)    I  wish  he'd  speak  to  me. 

Sus,     {Aside.)    I  wonder  what  has  made  Larry  so  quiet. 

F.  MeL    {Looking;  round.")    Louisa  ! 


MOEE    BLUNDERS    THAN    ONE,  13 

Lou.     Henry  ! 

Y.  Mel.  I  wish,  Louisa,  you  would  tell  me  how  this  qnarrel  ori- 
ginated —  believe  me,  I  never  meant  to  offend  you. 

Lou.     Then,  really,  I  am  sorry  I  have  behaved  so  unkindly  to  you. 

Y.  Mel.     Are  you,  indeed  ?  —  then  I  am  the  happiest  of  men  again. 

Sus.  (^Aside.)  O,  Gemini !  if  they  haven't  made  it  up  again.  1 
shall  be  Mrs.  Hoolagan  after  all.  But  I  can't  think  what  makes  Larry 
so  quiet. 

Loti.  Now,  mind  —  I  only  forgive  you  on  condition  you  answer  me 
truly  and  faithfully  the  following  question. 

Y.  Mel.     Name  it,  then,  that  I  may  earn  my  sweet  forgiveness. 

Lou.     Have  you  ever  sent  your  servant  Larry  to  watch  my  conduct  ? 

Y.  Mel.     Never. 

Lou.     Not  even  since  our  quarrel  ? 

Y.  Mel.     I  have  even  forbidden  his  coming  near  the  place. 

Lou.  Well,  it's  very  strange ;  I  could  have  been  positive  I  heard 
his  voice  in  the  apartment  this  very  day. 

Sus.     Lor',  ma'am  !  —  (^Aside.)     She  certainly  heard  him. 

Y.  Mel.  I  assure  you  it  could  not  be  :  at  this  very  moment  he  is  at 
quite  a  different  part  of  the  town. 

Lou.  Well,  then,  I  confess  myself  in  the  wrong.  There  is  my 
hand,  Henry  —  you  know  where  my  heart  is  already. 

Y.  Mel.  I  should,  indeed,  have  been  unworthy  of  you,  could  I  so 
haTe  degraded  myself  as  to  put  my  servant  as  a  spy  upon  you.  If 
he  have  been  here,  believe  I  sent  lum ;  for  he  would  not  dare  to  dis- 
obey my  orders. 

Lou.     Well,  I  believe  you,  and  I  am  happy. 

Sus.     {Aside.)     And  so  shall  I  be,  when  I  get  Larry  away. 

Y.  Mel.  Be  assured  you  have  no  reason  to  be  otherwise,  and  let 
this  kiss  be  the  sweet  token  of  our  reconciliation.     {Kisses  her  hand.) 

Sus.  Now  I  shall  get  a  husband,  and  a  hundred  pounds  into  the 
bargain.  {At  this  moment  Larry,  in  a  state  of  intoxication,  is  heard 
tinging  in  the  closet,  c,  with  all  his  might,  — ) 

0  let  us  be  frisky, 

And  tipple  the  whiskey  — 
Long  life  to  the  lads  of  sweet  liberty's  joys ; 

No  nation  whatever 

Hath  power  to  sever 
The  shamrock,  the  rose,  and  the  thistle,  my  ooys.   . 

[All  seem  petrified.) 

Lou.     Why,  Susan,  what  noise  is  that  ? 

Sus.  I'm  sure  I  don't  know ;  I  didn't  hear  any  thing,  ma'am. 
(Larry  w  heard  singing  still  louder,  c.  —  Aside.)  We're  ruined  — 
past  all  hope.  {China  crash,  c ;  Louisa  runs  and  throws  open  the 
closet  door,  C,  when  Larry  is  discovered  sitting  in  a  bandbox,. with  the 
empty  whiskey  bottle  in  his  hand,  and  a  lady's  bonnet  and  shawl  on  ;  at 
the  same  momeut  Letty  runs  in,  and,  at  the  sight  of  him,  teems  ready 
to  faint,  L.  h.  1  E.) 

Let.  {Screaming.)  O,  my  whiskey  —  my  whiskey  !  (La«rt 
ting/s,  Afc) 

2 


14  MORE   BLUNDEltS    THAN   OXE, 

Y.  Mel.     Louisa,  listen  to  me. 

Lou.     Never  !     Here  we  part  to  meet  no  more.  (^Ezit,  E.  H.  1  b.) 
Sus.     O,  Lam-,  what  have  you  done  ? 

Let.     TVTiy,  he  has  diimk  all  my  bottle  of  ■whiskey. 

Siis.     O,  you  filthy  creature  !  ^ 

Lar.  All  I  can  say  is,  if  ladies  %vill  keep  such  perfumes,  at  least 
they  shouldn't  let  an  Lrishman  come  near  'em,  my  jewel. 

Siis.  O,  Larry,  Larry,  this  ends  all  our  hopes  !  I  can't  bear  the 
sight  of  him  any  longer,  {Exit,  E.  h.  1  e.) 

Lar.  Poor  thing  !  she  don't  seem  altogether  well  pleased  with  her- 
self.    I  can't  think  who  has  offended  her.     {Darken  stage.) 

Y.  Mel.     O,  you  scoimdrel !  what  did  you  do  in  that  closet  ? 

Lar.  What  did  I  do  in  that  closet  ?  I  drank  a  bottle  of  whiskey, 
please  your  honor. 

Let.     Yes,  at  my  expense. 

Lar.  Och,  then  let  me  pay  you  for  it ;  a  kiss  will  settle  the  whole 
account. 

Let.     Get  out,  you  drunken  beast !     O,  my  bottle,  my  bottle  ! 

{Exit,  L.  H.  1  E.) 

Lar.  O,  bother  your  bottle !  —  coming  over  me  with  the  pride  of 
your  dirty  bottle  !  Here  it  is,  safe  enough ;  and  if  ever  you  get 
drunk  with  what's  in  it,  say  it  ain't  my  fault,  that's  all. 

Y.  Mel.     Get  out  of  the  house,  you  drunken  scovmdrel ! 

Lar.  Scoundrel !  do  you  mean  to  insult  me  ?  There,  take  your 
dirty  livery.  I  discharge  you  from  the  proud  eminence  of  being  my 
master.     Listen  to  that  and  break  your  heart. 

Y.  Mel.     Go  to  the  devil ! 

Lar.  After  you  is  manners,  sir.  {Exit  YorxG  MELBOxnaxE,  L.  H.  1 
E.)     Hurrah  !  the  to^-n's  our  own.     O  ! 

{Sings  and  exit,  L.  H.  1  e.) 

Enter  Scsi!^',  R.  h.  1  e.,  with  lighted  candle,  setting  the  place  in  order. 
Lights  up. 

Sm.  There,  now,  that's  done,  and  that's  done,  and  it's  all  done, 
after  a  way ;  but  I  don't  care  how  any  thing's  done  since  Larry's 
cruel  beha\ior.  I  know  I  shall  die  the  ■s'ictim  of  an  unfortunate  pas- 
sion, and  then  he'll  have  nothing  to  do  but  to  strew  my  grave  with 
sunflowers,  and  hollyhocks,  and  devil's  oatmeal,  and  all  those  pretty 
things.  It  makes  me  feel  like  a  corpse  only  thinking  of  it.  (  Taking 
up  the  reticule.)  Why,  what  can  all  this  be  so  hea%7  ?  {Opening  the 
reticule.)  "^Miy,  I  declare,  if  here  ain't  all  Mr.  Melbourne's  presents, 
that  my  mistress  used  to  prize  so  much,  all  jumbled  in  together.  I'm 
sure  that's  very  improper  to  have  them  throwing  about  here  ;  they're 
safer  in  their  proper  places.  By  and  by  we  shall  have  them  lost,  and 
then  perhaps  I  shall  be  suspected.  However,  I'll  lock  them  up,  in. 
case  of  any  thing.  {Takes  the  presents  out  of  the  reticule,  and  locks 
them  in  the  cabinet,  R.  H.  3  E.,  leaving  the  reticule  hanging  on  the 
chair  back,  R.  H.)  There,  now,  they're  safe,  at  all  events  ;  and  now  I 
may  go  and  amuse  myself  with  crying  my  eyes  out  again  about  that 
ungrateful  Larry. 


MORE   BLtTNDERS   THAN   ONE.  16 


Enter  Larry,  l.  h.  1  e. 

Lar.  Fait,  I'm  in,  and  there's  my  little  darling,  too,  only  I  can't 
see  her,  for,  by  the  powers,  I'm  ashamed  to  look  at  her. 

Sus.  I'm  surfe  I  hope  I  shall  never  clap  my  eyes  on  the  filthy  crea- 
ture again. 

Lar.  Now,  that's  myself  she  means.  How  afiectionately  she 
remembers  me ! 

Sus.     I  think  if  I  were  to  see  him  now  I  should 

Lar.  You  should  overwhelm  him  with  shamefulness  by  saying, 
Larry,  I  forgive  you,  you  blackguard. 

Sus.     Should  I,  indeed  ?     O,  you  vile  profligate  ! 

Lar.  That's  right,  my  darling  ;  call  me  all  the  ugly  names  you 
can  think  of ;  it  eases  my  conscience  to  hear  you. 

Sus.     I'll  never  forgive  you  — never  ! 

Lar.  Only  this  once,  my  darling,  only  this  once ;  and  see  here ; 
haven't  I  got  a  little  keepsake'  for  you,  in  order  that  you  may  never 
be  able  to  forget  the  xmgrateful  villain  ? 

Sus.     A  keepsake,  indeed  !     Well,  let  me  see  what  it  is. 

Lar.  O,  to  be  sure  you  shall.  "Where  have  I  put  it  ?  Fait,  if  I 
haven't  put  it  at  the  further  end  of  my  coat  pocket,  under  all  the  eat- 
ables. But  wait  a  minute,  my  dear,  and  you  shall  have  it  in  less  than 
a  second.  (  Takes  a  chair,  and  begin9  emptying  his  pockets  on  to  it,  the 
chief  contents  of  which  are  a  parcel  of  dirty  potatoes.) 

Sus.     Why,  what  have  you  got  there  ? 

Lar.  Only  a  couple  of  pound  of  waxy  potatoes.  I  couldn't 
resist  buying  'em  they  looked  so  beautiful  and  mealy.    >'< 

Sus.     But  don't  put  the  nastj',  dirty  things  on  the  clean  chair  cover. 

Lar.  Nasty,  dirty  things,  do  you  call  'em  ?  Not  put  'em  on  the 
chair  cover,  indeed  !  Don't  I  mean  to  put  'em  in  my  mouth  ?  But 
here,  my  love,  here's  the  beautiful  keepsake.  (^Showing  her  a  tobacco 
stopper.)  _ 

Sus.    What  in  the  name  of  wonder's  that  ? 

Lar.  Och,  isn't  it  a  tobacco  stopper  ?  Take  it,  my  love ;  you'll 
find  it  mighty  convenient  if  you  should  fancy  a  pipe. 

Sus.  Fancy  a  pipe,  indeed  !  But  it's  no  use  bearing  malice  ;  and 
if  you'll  promise  me  never  to  behave  so  again,  and  never  even  to  look 
at  Letty  when  I'm  not  in  the  way,  I  forgive  you. 

Lar.  Look  at  Letty !  I'll  never  look  at  any  body  but  yourself. 
Come,  give  us  a  real  hearty  kiss,  to  make  it  up. 

Louisa.     (Without,  R.  H.)     Susan. 

Sus.    Hush,  hush  !  here  comes  my  mistress. 

Lar.     Fait,  then,  I'm  off  again. 

Sus.  No,  no,  she  sees  you  now  ;  you  had  better  remain  where  you 
are,  and  make  the  best  excuse  you  can.  {Exit,  r.  h.  1  e.) 

Lar.  O  murder  !  look  at  the  way  she's  left  the  beautiful  waxies,  all 
exposed.  They've  cat  a  large  hole  in  my  pocket.  I'll  just  pop  them 
into  this  bit  of  a  bag.  {Knock,  l.  h.  1  e.)  Here's  the  naaster,  again. 
What  a  fool  he  mlist  be,  to  be  sure  !  Where  the  devil  am  I  to  go  ? 
O,  here.     {Goes  up  chimney,  r.  h.  2  E.) 


t6  MORE  BITTNDEBS  THAN  ONE. 


Enter  Young  Melbourne,  l.  h.  1  e,,  meeting  Louisa,  r.  h.  1  e. 

Y.  Mel.  Madam,  I  merely  called  to  return  a  miniature  "which  I 
had,  perhaps,  till  now^-prized  but  too  highly. 

Lou.  Very  likely,  sir ;  and  to  say  the  truth,  I  had  put  out  your 
presents  for  the  very  same  purpose.     {^Taking  up  the  7-eticule.') 

Y.  Mel.  There,  madam ;  I  believe  the  sooner  our  conference  is 
ended,  the  better ;  there  is  your  miniature. 

Lou.  And  th€re,  sir,  are  your  paltry  presents.  (Flingitig  the 
reticule  at  his  feet.     And  now,  sir,  farewell  forever. 

{Exit  Louisa,  with  candle/,  R.  H.  1  e.) 

F.  Mel.  So,  she's  gone,  and  forever.  I'll  take  my  presents,  lout 
I'll  leave  her  reticule,  that  I  may  not  have  any  thing  to  remind  me 
of  her.  {Puts  his  hand  in  the  reticule,  and  takes  out  a  large  potato.) 
Confusion  !  Does  she  make  a  jest  ^nd  mockery  of  me  ?  No  doubt 
she  thinks  this  an  amazing  clever  joke.  {Lights  gradually  down.)  This 
paltry  trick  has  disgusted  me  more  than  the  grossest  injury  could 
have  done.  It  is  unworthy  even  her.  {In  his  passion  he  tears  the 
reticule  to  pieces.)  But  I'll  hence  directly,  lest  I  should  be  tempted 
to  retaliate.  Mean,  insulting  woman  !  {As  he  is  going  off  he  is  met 
6y-LETiY,  with  candle  lighted,  L.  H.  1  E.) 

Let.  O,  sir,  sir,  there's  a  strange  sort  of  looking  person  below  in- 
quiring for  you.  He  says  he  w<Mi't  go  without  seeing  you.  I  can't 
think  who  it  can  be. 

Y.  Mel.     But  I  can,  and  but  too  well. 

Let.     Lord,  who  is  it,  then  ? 

Y.  Mel.  Why,  Trap,  the  bailiff,  from  the  station  house,  to  be 
sure.  I'm  undone.  Tell  me,  Letty,  have  you  nowhere  you  could 
conceal  me  for  a  few  minutes  ? 

Let.  Yes,  I  have  it;  but  hark!  he's  coming  up.  Conceal  your- 
self behind  that  fire  screen,  and  I'll  get  him  out  of  the  house  as  fast 
as  possible.  {Exit  Lettt,  L.  h.  1  E.) 

Y.  Mel.  Thanks,  thanks,  dearest  Letty.  {Looking  in  the  fireplace, 
R.  H,)  Why,  curse  it,  I  can't  conceal  myself  here  ;  it's  full  of  soot ; 
I  shall  be  as  black  as  a  sweep  in  five  minutes.  {Opens  the  door,  L.  f.) 
What  have  we  here  !  a  dressing  room  !  It's  rather  imceremonious  ; 
but  necessitj'  has  no  law,  and  so  in  I  go.  What  with  love  and  law, 
I'm  in  a  pretty  situation.  {Exit  into  d.  i.  F.,  taking  candle  —  stage 
dark.) 

Lar.  {Comes  do\cn  chimney,  R.  H.  2  E.)  Whew  !  what  a  smell  of 
soot !  The  master's  gone  out,  and  so  has  the  candle.  It's  about  as 
dark  as  the  devil's  hall  door.  Now  if  I  coulidt  only  grQpe  my  way  to 
the  door.  . 

Enter  Letty,  eaiUiously,  l.  h.  1  E. 

Lei.  I  wonder  whether  Mr.  Melbourne  has  found  his  way  out !  I 
feel  quite  interested  about  him.  Hush  !  there's  some  one  there ;  that's 
him,  then  ;  hist !  hist  ! 

Lar.  {Aside.)  Who  the  devil's  that  ?  {Catching  hold  of  IjVTTt' a 
gown.)    Fait,  it's  a  petticoat.    I  don'tknow  who< it  is,  but,  by  my 


MOBE  SLUNDEBa  THAN  OltB.  17- 

eoul,  I'd  like  to  nave  a  kiss  ;  -we're  in  the  dark,  and  she'll  never  find 
oiit  it's  me. 

Let.  {Aside.')  How  coaxing  he  is  !  it's  my  belief  he's  going  to 
give  me  something. 

Lar.  Here,  you  little  angel  of  darkness.  —  (Kisses  her.)  Again, 
you  rogue. 

Let.    No,  no  —  let  me  go  ;  there's  some  one  coming. 

Lar.     Fait,  so  there  is. 

Let.     {Runni7ig  off,  L.  H.  1  E.)     O,  what  a  charming  fellow  ! 

Enter  Susan  with  a  light,  R.  h.  1  e.     Lights  up. 

Stcs.  {Looking  at  Larry.)  Lor',  Larry,  what  have  you  been  rub- 
bing your  face  against  ? 

Lar.  Nothing,  my  darling  —  (aside)  —  only  as  nice  a  pair  of  lips 
as  ever  smelt  powder. 

Sus.  Why,  any  body  would  think  you  had  been  kissing  the  tea 
kettle. 

T.  ivij'.  ;;''V  ,-ii>;  .n^i     .yj-X 

Enter  Letty,  with  her  cheeks  bearing  the  visible  ma^%s  of  ITAIiiT'S 
kisses,  L.  H.  1  E. 

Let.  Susan,  Susan,  you'd  better  go ;  Miss  Lovemore  is  waiting 
for  you. 

Siis.  O  Letty,  Letty,  look  there!  (Pointing  to  Larry's  jTace ; 
and  then  first  seeing  the  soot  on  Letty's  yace,  as  if  the  truth  flashed 
upon  her  at  the  moment,  she  falls  into  the  chair,  screaming,  on  R.  C.) 

Lar.     What's  the  row  ?  what's  the  row  ? 

Let.     What  is  the  meaning  of  this  ? 

Enter  LoxnsA  in  haste,  r.  h.  1  e. 

Lou.     Susan,  Susan,  what  means  this  noise  ? 

Sus.  Ah,  ma'am,  ma'am,  I've  detected  them  ;  look  at  the  traitors. 
Letty  has  been  kissing  my  Larry  till  he's  black  in  the  face. 

Let.     I  kissing  him  ! 

Lar.     O,  here's  murder  and  robbery ! 

Sus.  And  I  know,  ma'am,  you're  too  good  to  see  me  put  upon  in 
this  way  :  you  won't  suffer  such  goings  on  in  your  house,  will  you, 
ma'am? 

Lou.    No,  certainly  not.     Letty,  you  are  discharged. 

Let.     For  what,  I  should  like  to  know  ? 

Lou.     For  suffering  Susan's  sweetheart,  then,  to  kiss  you,  ma'am. 

Let.  But  I  say  he  never  did,  though.  Fd  rather  be  kissed  by  a 
tomcat. 

Sim.     (b.  c.)     It's  no  such  thing. 

Lou.     (r.  h.)     Don't  answer  me,  but  leave  the  house. 

Let.  "Then  since  I  must  go,  ma'am,  I  don't  mind  confessing  I  havo 
been  kissed  by  somebody,  and  that  somebody  was  young  Mr.  Mel- 
bourne, ma'am. 

Y,  Mel.     (Looking  from  the  door,  1.  v.)     O,  you  false  fagot ! 
2  * 


18  KOEE   BLUNDEES    THA2f    ONE. 

Lar.     O,  to  be  siire  it  was,  for  I  saw  him. 

Y.  Mel.  {Rmhing  forward  c,  and  collaring  Laery.)  O,  you  ly- 
ing scoundrel  ! 

Lar.  (l.  c.  Aside  to  Meleouexe.)  Whisht,  sir ;  it's  only  a  pa»t 
of  the  stratagem.  —  Well,  then,  I  made  a  mistake  ;  it  wasn't. 

Let.  (l.  H.)  Then  it  was  that  filthy  creature  who  kissed  me,  sifter 
all.     Ah  !     i^Rubbifig  her  mouth,  and  discovering  the  black.') 

Y.  Mel.     Louisa,  Louisa,  hear  me. 

Lar.     Hear  me,  ma'am  ;  I'll  tell  you  all  about  it. 

Y.  Mel.     Silence,  sir  !  begone  —  leave  my  sers'ice  this  instant. 

Lar.  Well,  sir,  I'll  go  if  you  wish  it ;  but  mind,  sir,  I  leave  you 
with  clean  hands. 

Let.     That's  more  than  you  do  with  a  clean  face  ! 

Lar.  If  I've  been  kissing  the  tea  kettle,  you've  been  making  free 
wid  the  coffee  pot,  Mrs.  Lavender  Water. 

{Exeunt  Laert  and  Letty,  l.  h.  1  e.) 

Sus.     O,  the  cruel,  false-hearted  man  !     I  know  I  shall  die. 

{Exit,  E,  H.  1  E.) 

Lou.  So,  sir,  you  are  not  satisfied  with  concealing  your  servant  in 
my  closet,  but  you  must  hide  yourself,  too,  in  my  dressing  room. 

Y.  Mel.     Louisa  !  Louisa  !  indeed  you  are  deceived. 

Lou.  Certainly,  I  am  always  deceived,  but  not  by  you,  sir.  Look 
there.  {Pointing  to  the  torn  reticule.)  I  am  not  deceived  in  that, 
sir ;  after  having  taken  out  the  jewels,  to  vent  yoiu:  spite  upon  my 
reticule  !     Ah,  that  was  very  noble  ! 

Y.  Mel.  Madam,  madam,  this  is  too  much  —  to  be  injured  and  in- 
sulted thus  !     I  now  disdain  an  explanation.     Farewell  forever. 

{Exit,  L.  H.  1  E.) 

Lou.     So,  he's  gone,  then.     Well,  I  am  now  more  pleased  than 

ever.     A  mean,  paltry,  insulting,  hard-hearted 

{Bursts  into  tears,  and  exit,  E.  H.  1  E.^ 

Reenter  Laert,  l.  h.  1  e. 

Lar.  So  !  he's  discharged  me ;  but  I  won't  go.  Poor  fellow  !  he'd 
be  in  a  pretty  plight  if  I  was  to  leave  him,  getting  into  all  sorts  of 
scrapes,  and  nobody  to  hit  upon  a  stratagem  to  get  him  out.  I  won- 
der where  Susan's  hid  herself.  I'd  like  to  mollify  her  a  bit  after  that 
kissin'  match  in  the  dark.     O,  here  she  comes. 

Enter  Susan,  r.  h.  1  b. 

Sus.  O,  you  deceitful,  ungrateful,  incorrigible,  unmanageable, 
horrid 

Lar.     Whisht !  upon  my  soul  I  thought  it  was  you. 

Sits.     No  —  did  you  ? 

Lar.  But  tell  me,  how  are  we  to  get  the  master  and  the  mistress 
reconciled  —  eh  ? 

Sus.  I'm  afraid  it's  quite  impossible,  now  she's  determined  not  to 
have  any  thing  to  say  to  him. 

Lar.    1  must  think  of  a  stratagem.    I  have  it  —  I  have  it.    You 


MORE   BLUNDERS   THAN   ONE;  £9 

shall  persuade  your  mistress  that  my  master's  on  the  point  of  death, 
in  consequence  of  her  cruelty ;  and  if  she  don't  forgive  him  then, 
she's  not  such  a  fool  as  I'd  take  her  for. 

Sus.  Why,  perhaps  her  affection  might  overcome  her  anger,  in  that 
case  ;  but  I'm  afraid  she'd  never  beUeve  me,  without  she  ■were 
actually  to  see  him. 

Lar.     Fait !  then  she  shall. 

Sits.  Why,  I'm  sure  your  master  ■will  never  lend  himself  to  such  a 
scheme. 

Lar.  No,  my  dear,  but  I'll  lend  myself  to  it.  lie  -won't  be  home 
till  late  to-night.  No-w,  if  I  put  on  his  morning  gown  and  slippers, 
and  place  myself  in  an  elegant  concumbent  posture  in  the  easy  chair, 
■with  my  face  disguised  and  my  voice  concealed,  how  should  she  kno^w: 
me  from  him,  my  darling  ?  and  then  I'll  moan  so  piteously,  that  I'd 
move  the  heart  of  a  summer  cabbage. 

Sus.     Why,  I  think  it  might  succeed. 

Lar.  To  be  sure  it  must.  Run  to  her  immediately,  and  tell  her  I 
—  no,  my  master's  broke  his  heart,  but  is  detecmined  not  to  die  till  he 
receives  her  pardon.     Then  hey  for  the  wedding,  my  darling. 

Sus.  Why,  really,  it  will  be  delightful  if  I  can  only  persuade  her 
to  come. 

Lar.  She'll  be  svire  to  come  if  you  play  your  part  weU.  Only 
shed  plenty  of  tears,  my  dear  ;  you  know  they  cost  nothing,  and  are. 
easily  replaced. 

Sus.  Well,  well,  it  shall  not  be  my  fault  if  it  don't  succeed;  so 
farewell.  {Exit,  R.  h.  1  e.) 

Lar.  Now  I  must  go  and  get  the  powder  puff,  and  put  a  little; 
color  in  my  face.  I  must  make  free,  too,  with  my  master's  morning 
gown  and  slippers  ;  and  if  this  stratagem  doesn't  soften  her  heart  like. 
an  overboiled  turnip,  I'll  tmm  teetotaler,  and  live  upon  buttermilk. 

{Exit,  L.  H.  1  E.) 


Scene  IV.  —  Melbourne's  Apartment,  1  g. 

Enter  Louisa  a7id  Susan,  l.  h.  1  e. 

Lou.  Really,  Susan,  the  idea  of  Melbourne  being  in  so  -wretched 
a  state  completely  overpoAvers  me. 

Sus.  1  thought  it  would,  ma'am  ;  you  should  not  have  been  so 
cruel  to  him.  But  if  any  thing  in  the  world  can  recover  him,  I  am 
sure  it  will  be  this  ■visit.  ■■; 

Lou.  What  was  I  to  do  ?  I  feel  the  indelicacy  of  it ;  but  if  he 
should  die  ■without  being  conscious  of  my  forgiveness,  I  should  never 
know  another  moment's  peace. 

Sus.  True,  ma'am  ;  I  will  run  immediately,  and  see  if  he's  pre- 
pared for  the  interview. —  (Asi(is.)  Now,  if  Larrj'  has  only  man- 
aged as  well  as  I  have,  both  oiur  fortunes  are  made  at  once. 

{Exit,  L.  H.  1  e.) 

Lou,    Poor  Melbourne  ! 


20  MORE   BLUNDEBS    THAN    ONE. 


Enter  Old  Melbourne,  l.  h.  1  e. 

O.  Mel.  I'm  determined  that  rascal  shall  not  drive  me  out  of  the 
country  till  I  have  reproached  him  -with  his  ingratitude.  (^Seeing 
Louisa,  r.  h.)  Eh !  -who  can  this  be  ?  She  appears  a  lady.  I'll 
speak  to  her.  You  are  here,  madam,  I  presume,  in  the  hope  of  see- 
ing Mr.  Melbourne  ? 

Lou.  I  am,  sir.  —  (^Aside.")  Who  can  this  old  gentleman  be  ?  O, 
I  see  —  it  is  his  physician  ;  he  comes  to  prepare  me  for  the  meeting. 

O.  Mel,  I  fear,  madam,  it  is  very  doubtful  whether  you  will  be 
fortunate  enough  to  obtain  your  wish. 

Lou.     What  mean  you  ?    He  is  not  yet  dead  ? 

O.  Mel.    No,  ma'am  ;  better  that  he  were. 

Lou.     Is  he,  then,  so  far  gone  ? 

O.  Mel.     Yes,  ma'am,  the  truth  must  be  spoken — I  deem  him 
qiiite  incurable. 
•J  Lou.     Alas!  are  there  no  hopes  ? 

O.  Mek     O,  no ;  he's  past  all  hope. 

Lou.  Unhappy  man  !  But  still  you  will  do  all  you  can  to  save 
him. 

O.  Mel.  O,  no,  ma'am  ;  his  sj'stem  is  so  bad  that  I  shall  not  at- 
tempt to  save  him. 

Lou.     Not  attempt  to  save  him  ? 

O.  Mel.     No  ;  for  he  has  insulted  me. 

Lou.  Insulted  you !  Unfeeling  monster !  But  your  conduct 
shall  be  known. 

O.  Mel.  So  it  is ;  turn  which  way  I  will,  this  is  the  reception  I 
meet  vsath.  I've  witnessed  nothing  but  insult  since  I  put  my  foot 
ashore  ;  and  now,  because  I  won't  support  that  scoxmdrel  in  his  profli- 
gacy, I'm  to  be  despised  by  the  whole  world. 

Reenter  Susan,  l.  h.  1  e. 

Su3.    Now,  ma'am,  Mr.  Melbourne's  prepared. 
Lou.    Then  I  shall  see  him  for  the  last  time. 

(Exeunt  Louisa  and  Susan,  l.  h.  1  e.) 
O.  Mel.     {Aside.)    Yes,  and  I  shall  see  him  for  the  first  time. 

{Exit,  L.  H.  1  E.) 


Scene  Y.  —  Younc  Melbourne's  Apartment,  3  G.     Large  easy  chair 
'  on  R.  H.  c.   Tahle  covered  with  large  cloth  on  R.  H.,  to  reach  stage ;  on  it 
■^  dressing  case,  powder  and  puff.     Table  covered  on  L.  H.  ;  on  it  decan- 
ter of  wine  and  wine  glasses.     Tvxi  chairs   on  R.  H. ;  two   chairs 
on  L.  H. 

Larrt  discovered,  disguised  in  his  master's  dressing  gown,  slippers,  S^., 
seated  in  easy  chair  on  R.  c. 

Lar.    Well,  I  have  taken  pains  enough  to  make  myself  look  ele- 


VORE  BLUKDERS   *fiAW  ONE.  21 

gant,  at  all  events.  But  I'm  in  a  mighty  stew,  for  fear  I'll  be  discov- 
ered though.  I  feel  all  of  a  cold  sweat,  hke  a  lump  of  ice  in  the  dog 
days.  (^Noise  without.)  But  here  they  come.  So  now  I'll  put  on 
the  dolefuls,  and  look  as  interestiag  as  an  old  cow  with  a  winter 
cough. 

Enter  LorisA,  Susan,  and  Old  JiIelboukne,  i,''h.  1  e. 

Stis.     There,  ma'am,  there's  the  unhappy  man. 

Lou.     I  scarce  can  look  at  him. 

O.  Mel.     Ah,  sight  of  woe !  is  this  our  meeting,  then,  at  last  ? 

Lou.  What !  your  heart  is  moved,  then,  is  it  ?  —  O  Henry,  Hen- 
ry, can  you  forgive  me  ? 

Lar.     (Aside  to  Susan.)     Tell  her  I'm  speechless,  my  dear. 

Hits.     You  see,  ma'am,  he's  too  far  gone  to  make  you  any  answer. 

Lou.  But  press  my  hand,  that  I  may  know  you're  conscious  of  my 
presence.     (Larry  takes  her  hand  and  kisses  it.) 

Sus.  {Aside  to  Larry.)  Larry,  Larry,  be  quiet.  —  I  won't 
allow  it. 

Lar.  (^Aside  to  Susan.)  Never  mind,  my  darling,  I'll  give  you  a 
couple.  (Larry  kisses  Susan's  hand  loith  warmth,  which  Louisa 
perceives.) 

Lou.     Why,  what  can  he  mean  ? 

Sus.  O,  no,  no,  nothing,  ma'am  —  the  poor  creature,  you  see,  don't 
know  my  hand  from  yours. 

Lou.  Poor  soul.  (Larry  pretends  to  be  in  the  greatest  agony.) 
See,  see,  he's  dying. 

O.  Mel.  Fortunately  travellers  are  generally  provided.  {Takes  a 
small  case  out  of  his  pocket,  containing  vials,  surgical  instruments,  ^c.) 
Shall  I  phlebotomize  him  ? 

Lar.     {Aside  to  SusAN.)     No,  by  the  powers  he  shan't. 

O.  Mel.  No,  no  —  fetch  me  a  glass  ;  I'll  give  him  something  that 
may,  perhaps,  revive  him. 

Lar.  {Aside  to  Susan.)  By  my  soul,  I'll  not  take  it  —  I  never 
could  swallow  a  dose  of  physic  in  my  life. 

Sus.  {Aside.)  But  you  must,  though,  or  we  shall  certainly  be 
found  out. 

Lou.  Here,  here,  give  it  him  this  instant.  (Old  Melbourne 
pours  out  a  dose  of  medicine,  which,  after  much  resistance,  Larry 
twallows.) 

Lar.  {Aside  to  Susan.)  O  that  I  had  a  drap  of  whiskey,  to  take 
the  taste  out  of  my  mouth. 

O.  Mel.  {Examining  his  case.)  O,  horror !  what  have  I  done ! 
{He  seems  petrified.) 

Lou.     Why,  what  have  you  done  ? 

O.  Mel.  Wretched  man  !  In  my  anxiety  I  have  given  him  the 
wrong  medicine.  He  has  swallowed  a  dose  of  laudanum  that  would 
be  the  death  of  a  dray-horse.  But  don't  breathe  a  word  to  him  of  it ; 
run  and  fetch  a  glass  of  water. 

Lou.     I  will,  I  will.  —  O  Henry  !  Henry !  {Exit,  R.  h.  1  e.) 

O.  Mel.    Now,  if  she  should  remain  more  than  five  minutes,  he'll 


22  StOSB   BtrXDKKS    TBL\.X    OSE. 

be  dead  before  she  returns  —  I  hare  it.  I'll  run  and  fetch  one  of  the 
ne'nriT  inrented  stomach  syringes,  and  pipe  all  hands  to  the  pump.  O, 
imfortiuiate  old  man  I  .  {Exit,  l.  h.  1  e.} 

Lar.  What  the  devil's  all  this  hubaboo  about :  Och,  I  suppose 
they  are  making  my  -will. 

^us.     I'm  sure  I  don"t  know. 

iar.  {Kjiaek,  L.  H.)  AVan't  that  a  beautiful  stratagem  :  But,  O, 
that  nasty  physic.  Och,  if  they  only  made  ■whiskey  of  such  stuff  as 
that,  I'd  be  the  soberest  man  hving.  Run,  Susan,  and  get  me  a  drap 
of  the  creature,  to  take  the  taste  out  of  my  mouth. 

Sus.     I  ■will,  I  -n-ill,  and  a  bit  of  sugar,  too.        {Exit,  r.  h.  1  -e.) 

Lar.  O,  -svhat  a  sweet  girl  that  is  !  {A  hud  double  knock, 
L.  H.  1  r.)  Murder  and  turf  1  if  there  ain't  my  master  on  the  out- 
side of  the  door,  and  presently  I"ll  be  after  taking  his  place,  while 
some  other  thief  takes  mine.  But,  if  I  stay  here,  it's  all  over  with 
me.  I'll  just  seat  myself  behind  this  dressing  table,  and  make  my  ob- 
servations like  a  telegraft.  (  Throics  off  the  dressing  gown  and  slippers, 
and  conceals  himself  behind  the  table,  K.  H.) 

Enier  Yottsg  MELBorBXE,  l.  h.  1  e. 

T.  MtJ.  Xo  news  of  my  imcle  ;  his  long  absence  begins  quite  to 
alarm  me.  I  regret,  now,  that  I  have  been  out.  The  rain  pours  do'wo. 
in  torrents ;  I  am  dripping.  Ah,  fortunately,  Larry  has  thought  it 
might  be  so,  I  see,  and  has  placed  my  dressing  gown  and  slippers  here 
for  me.  Xow,  that  was  thoughtful  of  him.  I  did  not  think  the  rascal 
had  so  much  discernment. 

Lar.     i^Aside.)     Ah,  he's  not  such  a  fool  as  he  looks. 

Y.  MeL  I  shall  begin  to  think  better  of  the  scoimdrel  for  the 
future.  {Takts  off  his  coat  and  shoes,  and  puis  on  the  dressing  gown 
itc,  and  seats  himself  in  easy  chair,  E.  c.)  Now  let  me  meditate  a 
wMle.     O  Louisa  '  Louisa  I     Am  I  never  to  taste  aught  but  bitters  ? 

Enter  Sdsax,  viih  a  lump  of  sugar  in  her  hand,  E.  H.  1  e. 

Sus.     Just  pop  fhU  lump  of  sugar  in  your  mouth,  and  it  will  take 
away  the  taste  in  a  minute.     {Seeing  her  mistake,  she  screams.) 
Y.  Mel.     'VS'hy,  what  can  this  mean  :     Susan  here ! 

Enter  LotriSA.,  with  a  tumbler  of  medicine,  E.  H.  1  E. 

Lou.     Now,  now,  Henry,  swallow  this,  and  you  may  yet  be  saved. 
Y.  Mel.     Louisa  here,   too  !  —  so  *he  couldn't  live  without  me. 
This  is,  indeed,  a  triumph. 
Lou.     Take  it  —  take  it. 
Y.  Mel.     ^Vhat  the  deuse  shotild  I  take  it  for  : 

Enier  Olb  MsLBorHNT,  with  a  large  wash-hand  basin,  tea  kettle,  and 
a  stomach  syringe  in  hit  hand,  L.  h.  1  e. 

O.  MeL  There,  now,  let  me  put  this  down  your  throat,  and  all 
mav  vet  be  well. 


MORE    BLrXDERS    THAX   OBE.  23 

F.  Mel.     Xo  ;  I'll  be  ctirsed  if  you  shall.  —  "VMiat  can  this  mean  ? 

Lou.     VThy,  he  seeras  quite  another  person. 

Lar.  {Looking  from  betieaih  the  table,  lu  h.)  It  would  be  mighty 
odd  if  he  didn't. 

O.  Mel.     Pray  suffer  me  to  operate. 

F.  Mel.     For  what  piirpose  : 

O.  Mel.  I'd  better  tell  him  the  truth  at  once.  If  you  must  know, 
then,  just  now  I  gave  you  the  -wrong  medicine. 

Lar.     (^Aside.)     The  devil  you  did. 

Sus.     (Asid^.)     O,  my  poor  Larry  ! 

T.  Mel.  ^Vhy,  I  haven't  taken  a  drop  of  medicine  these  three 
years. 

Lou.     (^Aside.)     O,  he's  becoming  quite  dehrioiis. 

O.  Mel.  You  have  swallowed  a  dose  of  laudanum  that  would  set- 
tle a  regiment. 

Lar.     (Aside.)     Ho,  bad  luck  to  you ;  it's  I  that  have  s^yaUowed  it. 

&M.     O,  if  they  haven't  poisoned  my  poor  Larry  ! 

O.  Mel.     If  it  ain't  dra-mi  off,  you're  a  dead  man. 

Lar.     {Aside.)     No,  it's  I'm  the  dead  man. 

O.  Mel.     You  must  take  this  dose.  i 

F.  Mel.     I  tell  you  I  won't. 

Lou.     O,  do  I  on  my  knees  I  pray  you  to  take  it. 

O.  Mel.     Yes,  on  our  knees,  we  pray. 

O/nties.     O,   pray !    pray  I      ( TAey  ktwel.     Laeby   quite   overcome 
teiih  his  sufferings,  haves  his  ixtncealment,  apparently  in  the  agonies  of  - 
death  ;  and  thrusting  his  master  out  of  the  chair,  takes  his  place  between 
LoriSA  a?id  Old  iizLBoriccE.) 

Lar.  O,  don't  wear  out  your  knees  in  prayer  to  him  :  it's  I'm  the 
dead  man.     Give  me  the  dose  —  give  me  the  dose. 

AU.    You  : 

Lar.  Yes,  I'm  at  death's  door,  and  I'm  afraid  I'll  be  let  in  with- 
out even  the  trouble  of  knocking. 

F.  MeL    You  here,  sir  :     "What  can  this  mean  r 

Lar.  O,  don't  bother  me  with  any  tmchristian-like  questions  now, 
"Wlien  I'm  gone,  Susan  will  explain  all.  Give  me  the  other  dose  — 
give  me  the  other  dose.     {SicaJJoics  the  tumbler  of  medioine.) 

Y.  Mel.     So,  sir,  you  have  been  at  your  stratagems  again,  have  yon  ? 

Lar.  I  have,  sir  ;  but  don't  be  angry  ;  it  will  be  my  last  stratagem 
in  this  world. 

O.  Mel.  So  'tis  this  poor  fellow  I  have  poisoned,  after  all.  O, 
miserable  old  man  that  I  am  I 

F.  Mel.     "^Tiy,  who  is  this  old  gentleman  r 

Lou.     "SVhy,  your  physician,  to  be  sure. 

O.  Mel.     His  physician  !     Nonsense,  I'm  his  uncle. 

F.  Mel.     Can  it  be  possible  ? 

Lar.     Yes,  to  be  sure  it  is :  I  know  him  of  ould. 

F.  Mel.     You  infernal 

Lar.  O,  sir,  don't  abuse  a  dying  man.  —  {To  Louisa.)  Here, 
ma'am,  since  I'm  on  my  death  bed,  I  may  as  well  confess  all  my 
sins ;  here's  my  master's  letter  that  he  sent  you  yesterday  morning, 
but  which  I  never  dehvered. 


U  HOBB  BLtmDEBS   THAN  0X£. 

Lou.    What !  my  own  letter,  and  unopened  ! 

Lar.     Yes,  ma'am  ;  it  stuck  in  my  pocket  like  post  office  sticking 
plaster.     O  !  I'm  going  !  I'm  going !     Susan,  darling,  take  an  affec- 
tionate leave  of  me.     A  couple  of  kicks  and  a  gnmt,  and  it  will  be  all 
over,  like  Donnybrook  Fair. 
O.  Mel.     Huzza  !  huzza  ! 
Omnes.     Why,  what's  the  matter  ! 

O.  Mel.     He's  not  poisoned.    The  bottle  of  laudanum  had  only 
slipped  out  of  my  pocket-case,  and  I  thought  he  had  taken  it. 

Lar.     Och,  then,  I'm  all  right  again,  and  I'll  live  till  I  die,  and  a 
great  deal  longer,  too. 

Y.  Mel.     Yes,  sir  ;  but  leave  my  service  this  instant. 
Sus.    Then  if  he's  turned  away,  if  you  please,  ma'am,  I  must  be 
ti  rned  away  too. 

«    Lar.     Och,  there's  a  brave  boy  for  you. 
•*f    O.  Mel.     No,  no,  I  think  he  has  been  sufficiently  punished ;  let  me 
intercede  for  him,  though  he  says  Station  HoTise  is  written  upon  my 
/  ugly  forehead. 

f       Lar.     O,  don't  make  me  blush. 
'         O.  Mel.     No  ;  that  would  be  a  pity. 

Lar.     Say  that  you'll  forgive  me,  sir,  or  I'll  never  forgive  myself. 
Y.  Mel.     Well,  it  must  be  on  one  condition,  only  ;  and  that  is,  that 
we  have  no  more  stratagems. 
;     Lar.     Long  Ufe  to  your  honor,  the  devil  a  one.     Hoping  that  our 
'  ''*kind  patrons  will  grant  us  the  end  and  aim  of  all  our  little  stratagems 
— their  approbation. 


SITUATIONS 

LJlREY. 

CURTAIN. 


3   1205  00117  3101 


uc  ^°"^"'"'.||5m^^ 


